This story was going to be entitled “True Confessions of a Retired Firefighter,” but that title was too long for the paper. Unbelievable as it may be, I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that everything you’re about to read is indeed true. Happened just as written.
So sit back in your favorite easy chair, prop up your feet and get ready to smile. You’re really not gonna believe this one.
During my 27 years being a firefighter, I noticed that the majority of home emergencies happened at night. For The Wife and me, last night’s experience fell into that category. Our emergency happened just a little after 3 in the morning.
Now, sleep is important to us old folks, and for anything to disrupt it, it must truly be an emergency, especially if it wakes The Wife.
So when the chirping started, I knew who had to chase down and remove the cricket from our bedroom, and in a hurry. I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t going to be either of the two cats curled up asleep and purring at our feet.
When first awakened by the constant chirping, I thought one of the long-legged spider crickets had escaped once again from our basement. Even though the cats like playing with them, crickets don’t need to be in the bedroom, especially at night.
Not wanting to wake The Wife, I slid quietly out of bed into slippers and a housecoat before beginning my search.
After a quick look under chairs, nightstand and the bed, I found the spaces to be cricket free, and that’s when I suddenly realized. The sound wasn’t coming from below. It was coming from above. Yep, one of those pesky spider crickets was on the ceiling directly above The Wife!
Moments later she woke startled, but it wasn’t because of the spider cricket loose in our bedroom. It was the rather large nut loose in our bedroom.
If you’re a regular reader of this column then you know: The Wife, she must really love me. Why else would she put up with the many things I’ve done over the years?
I’m sure that decision came into question when she woke and turned on the nightstand light only to find her husband of 15 years wearing fuzzy bunny slippers, dressed in her pink housecoat, and standing on tip toes in a chair.
Okay, stop laughing. The slippers and pink housecoat aren’t what I’m embarrassed about. Besides, both were really warm. Why hunt wild creatures in the middle of the night and be cold? Doing that would really be silly.
The chirping sound wasn’t coming from the spider cricket on the ceiling. It wasn’t coming from a cricket at all. Guess who forgot not only to change the clocks back an hour, but also forgot to change the batteries in all the smoke detectors?
That would be the guy in the fuzzy bunny slippers and pink housecoat standing in a chair in the middle of the night.
The Wife immediately knew what had happened and sleepily asked, “Forgot to change the batteries, did we?”
Yes, Mr. Safety here forgot. He also forgot to buy batteries so it was off to the basement to rob a battery from one of the two smoke detectors down there and put an end to all the chirping in the bedroom.
Unfortunately, I soon returned empty-handed. It seems I’d robbed both batteries last year for the same reason.
Don’t worry. I didn’t take them from actual working smoke detectors—they were still in the package. It’s been two years, and I still haven’t gotten around to installing them in the basement yet. I told you this story was embarrassing.
I borrowed the needed battery from Little One’s toy flashlight. With the chirping emergency finally taken care of, the cats covered up once again, I kissed The Wife, turned off the light, and made my way to the kitchen, but not before tripping over the chair I’d forgotten to move out of the middle of the floor.
With all the excitement of chasing down spider crickets, running up and down steps to the basement, and now nursing a sore shin for the chair collision, I felt I’d earned a cup of hot chocolate with a flotilla of marshmallow.
While waiting for the milk to steam, I wrote a couple of notes. First, I marked on the calendar to change all the clocks in the spring, and also to change the smoke detectors’ batteries.
Second, I made a note to install the two basement smoke detectors first thing in the morning.
And finally, I made a note to search online for a pink fuzzy housecoat in men’s size large. That thing was really warm. And no, I’m not embarrassed to admit that.
[Rick Ryckeley, who lives in Senoia, served as a firefighter for more than two decades and has been a weekly columnist since 2001. His email is storiesbyrick@gmail.com. His books are available at www.RickRyckeley.com.]
