Spending the better part of my adult life trying to understand the opposite sex, I’ve realized one thing.
It’s a daunting task — a task that I’m incredibly ill-equipped for. Okay, so that’s two things, but they don’t change the fact that when it comes to women, I’m in over my head.
And whether you realize it or not, the rest of you Neanderthals out there are in the same boat. You would be aware of it, if you’d only listen.
Therein lies the root of the problem for most relationships. Women listen to what men say, but men don’t listen to what women say. Or at least that’s what The Wife told me last weekend. Come to find out she had told me the same thing two weeks ago. Apparently, I wasn’t listening.
In my defense, I’ve had a lot of practice not listening. Back in the third grade it was the only way to survive and endure the school day.
For hours, Old Mrs. Crabtree stood in front of the classroom going on and on about stuff, mostly a bunch of dead guys. George Washington crossing some river in the middle of a blizzard wearing cardboard shoes (Mom would have taken a switch to us boys if we went out in weather conditions like that without our galoshes).
Genghis Khan conquered the known world and invented the five-second rule, later to be known as the great con.
And what about that big crack in the Liberty Bell? Never did find out who dropped it or how much trouble he got into.
Finally, when Christopher Columbus crash-landed his ship into the stony shoreline of America, he said, “My God, did you see that rock we just hit? It was as big as a Plymouth.” At least that’s what I think Mrs. Crabtree said. I wasn’t really listening.
Other than my being a Neanderthal, The Wife has come up with a plausible answer as to why I don’t listen.
Hair.
Yes, hair.
It seems for some reason the older I get, the more hair falls out of my head and lands in my ears. Once there it takes root, grows like a weed, and blocks sound waves from entering.
Now this doesn’t explain why I didn’t pay attention to Old Mrs. Crabtree. There’s a better explanation for that. I was just bored. Who wants to learn about a bunch of old dead guys anyway?
Even the state of Texas just took Thomas Jefferson out of the education curriculum. The Wife said he’s one of the Founding Fathers and presidents, wrote the Declaration of Independence, and started the University of Virginia. Texas doesn’t think he did anything important enough to be in their new history books. Guess they didn’t listen to their teachers either.
But I digress; this story is about men not being able to hear because of having too much hair in their ears, not the enormous mistake Texas just made.
The story about what impact all of these draconian budget and curriculum cuts will have on our educational system is a sad story for another time.
The Wife also says my hearing loss is selective. Strange — for some reason, I have no trouble hearing the big television in the basement. Our neighbors have no trouble hearing it either. Good thing they like the same programs.
And when it’s time for dinner, I come up at the first call, but all that changed last weekend. That’s when The Wife corrected my hearing impediment.
It was outside to the back porch for a good old fashioned trimming, and I’m proud to say my ears are no longer fuzzy. I can hear everything perfectly.
Hair trimming — now that’s a tactic the Republicans should try. Just have Michelle trim the hair out of President Obama’s ears. That way once and for all you can be sure he hears what you have to say about healthcare.
Besides, he’s already heard from the American people. He’s the President.
