“Might Near”

     Today we will discuss an important and long-standing Southern adverb.  But first, you remember adverbs from grammar school, don’t you?  They’re sort of adjectives for verbs, nothing more or less. If any of his teachers had bothered to explain adverbs that way, your compiler might not have reached the age of forty without really knowing what one was, precisely.  But your compiler digresses as he is wont to do; it’s part of his Southern-ness. 

     The adverb in question is “might near,” and there the grammatical part of the lesson ends and the “wallowing in the language” part begins, for there’s nothing remotely grammatical about “might near,” but it just feels good to say from time to time.  In many ways, “might near” is similar to “it liked to have,” which we discussed in a column last March.   Both have the same general meaning as “almost,” albeit on steroids. 

     Your compiler loves Chinese food, and one of his favorite dishes is Kung Pao Shrimp.  If he forgets to ask that the hot peppers be left out, he’s liable to say afterward, ‘That Kung Pao Shrimp liked to have killed me since I forgot to tell them to omit the peppers.”   Of course, most of us who would revert to this somewhat substandard usage for the sake of emphasis would also use the substandard pronunciation “kilt,” as in something a Scotsman with a bagpipe might wear.   We would also probably contract the “to have” into either “to’ve” or just plain “t’,”  as in, “It liked t’kilt me!”     

     Similarly, your compiler might say, “Those red hot peppers in that shrimp dish might near killed me last night.”    For reasons your compiler has never understood, most Southerners would say “kilt” with “like to have,”  but “killed” with “might near.”  Go figure, as the young folks say.

     More erudite usage would be “very nearly,” as in, “Blymie, old chap, you very nearly shot my hound instead of the fox!”   While that might work in the British countryside or in Connecticut, for example, it would come across as awfully stuffy in most parts of the South.  A Southern equivalent might be, “Dadgum, son!  You like to’ve shot my dog”  Another equivalent, directed sotto voce to a third party, might be,  “Watch out when that gold-plated peckerwood over yonder is shooting; he might near shot my best bird dog last season!”

     There is nothing even remotely grammatical about “might near,” but we all use it periodically for emphasis.  And as we have already established firmly, there is nothing wrong with relaxing in the language – with flouting its rules for emphasis – when it is clear that you know better.  That’s one of our finest and most treasured Southern traditions, and it’s one we’ll might near kill in order to preserve.