A few years ago, a clergy friend gave me a phone call. I answered and said, “Hello?”
He said, “Hey, Father David, it’s Kurt. The Lord has had you on my mind all day and I’ve been praying for you. How are you doing?”
I responded, “Hey, Kurt. I’m fine, thanks!”
A long moment of silence followed before he replied, “Well, that’s just a $%&# lie. The Lord wouldn’t have had me praying for you all day if you were fine! Unless F.I.N.E. stands for Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted!”
Taken aback, I thought about what he said and responded, “I guess, in that case, I’m F.I.N.E.”
It’s amazing how often we go on automatic and give a glib response when someone asks a question. Now, to be sure, much of the time when someone says, “How are you?” they are not really curious at all. It’s a salutation not an inquiry.
The normal response is, “I’m fine, thanks, how are you?” We appear to be caring but we really aren’t.
In truth, most of the time when we say to someone, “How are you?” we would be horrified if they said, “I am so glad you asked. How long do you have?” So what we have is politeness masked as caring.
My friend really wanted to know. His rather harsh response captured my attention, shocked me out of complacency, and caused me to consider his question. At that time, I really was “frustrated, insecure, (I’m not sure about neurotic), and exhausted.” What followed was a much needed discussion with a friend and the realization that someone cared enough, not only to call me, but tear down the wall of politeness in order to get at the real issues.
One of the realities of life that I have discovered over my 40+ years of ministry is that everyone is broken in some way. Some deny it, of course. Others blame someone else for their problems or issues. Some assume that they are perfectly fine and that it is others who have problems. Most people suffer in silence and when someone says, “How are you,” their automatic response is, , “I’m fine, thanks, how are you?” Yet, in that response, many of us are $%&# liars.
I have learned to modify my inquiry if I suspect someone else is going through difficulty. When I say, “How are you?” and their automatic response is, “I’m fine, thanks, how are you?”
I will often lean in and say, “How are you, really?” Sometimes, I discover that they are fine. Sometimes, I find that they are F.I.N.E.
In a rushed, hectic, impersonal world, often we need a true friend who will ask the hard questions and will not take the glib, automatic, shallow response for an answer. Unless the questions are asked, the likelihood is that the answers will never be found.
Much of the time we really are fine. But there are those other times when we are F.I.N.E. That’s when a true friend is needed who cares enough to pray, to call, and to confront. Then, perhaps, we can move from being F.I.N.E. to being fine.
[David Epps is the pastor of the Cathedral of Christ the King, Sharpsburg, GA (www.ctkcec.org). He is the bishop of the Mid-South Diocese which consists of Georgia and Tennessee (www.midsouthdiocese.org) and the Associate Endorser for the Department of the Armed Forces, U. S. Military Chaplains, ICCEC. He may contacted at frepps@ctkcec.org.]
