Dear Father Paul: I've gotten two speeding tickets in just the last two

weeks! I can't believe it! I was guilty in each case and paid the fines out

of my own money so my husband wouldn't find out. But frankly, I'm feeling

guilty

about keeping this from him as I think husbands and wives should't have secrets. On

the other hand, if I tell him, I'll have to listen to one of his 10-minute

lectures that start with, "Patsy I've told you 1,000 times that you

drive too fast." Your thoughts, please. - Patsy (not my real name),

Fayetteville

Dear Patsy: I agree about not keeping secrets. Besides, it's highly likely

that he'll eventually find out about it anyway when you get your next auto

insurance bill. Also, there is the strong likelihood that he is seriously

concerned about your safety. It's a fact that "lectures" don't

work, though, and you can verify that in my own marriage to my bride Judy. I've

been lecturing her about eating too fast for the past 39 years! She still

often gets done with the whole meal before I've barely started on my salad

... and we're not even going to talk about her lectures to me. But hey, 39

years means we're probably doing something right. Here's what to do. Remember,

timing and setting are everything where men are concerned. Fix his favorite

meal on, say, a Friday evening at the end of the work week when he's more

likely to be relaxed. If you work outside of the home, I know that this project

is going to take some "extra" effort, OK? Go with candles in the

dining room and get a sitter. He'll know something is up. That's OK. When

you are both seated, start by saying, "Sweetheart, I have some good

news and some bad news. The good news news is that I'm really sorry and I

think I've learned my lesson; the bad news is I've gotten a couple of speeding

tickets recently, like last week! Don't worry, I paid the fines out of my

own money." Then say, "But I really, really need your help in the

future. Would you please gently remind me when we are together and I get

over the limit? With both of us worrking on this, I know I can lick my bad

habit of driving too fast." No man on the planet can resist helping

a woman who sincerely asks; it's in our DNA. I'm betting that you'll get

a hug and a kiss instead of a lecture.

Dear Father Paul: There are three of us, two brothers and a sister. Our

mom is 90 and lives alone in this area. Dad passed away 12 years ago. Mom

has really gotten frail over the past few years and has fallen a couple of

times. My brother and I want to put mom in a really nice nursing facility,

but 'sis won't hear of it. Money for the fees is not really an issue. We've

had several "discussions" about this lately and tempers have flared. I

don't want our close family to be torn apart by this, but something needs

to be done. I'm being made to feel like the bad guy because I am pushing

for something to be done. - Richard, Tyrone.

Dear Richard: You are right, things can't continue like they are. Mom needs

help, but is a nursing home the answer? Unless mom is bedridden or has great

difficulty walking at all, she probably isn't a candidate just yet for a

nursing home. Today, there are lots of alternatives to a nursing home. Assisted

Living is one that might work for you. Another might be for you to hire someone

to come in for 3-4 hours a day to help with food, bathing and the like. A

classified ad in The Citizen would probably get you some excellent candidates. Could

she live with one of you? And how would that work? Very important also: What

does Mom say? What does she want to do? Assuming that she still has all of

her mental faculties, she should have a major say in what happens. Finally,

it is very important that all of you come into 100 percent agreement on the

final decision. I'd recommend that you ask a pastor or trusted family friend

to sit with all of you and calmly discuss the situation until you can come

to an agreement. Most of all, lay down all of your own agendas and consider

most what Mom needs right now, realizing that plans will have to change as

the situation changes.

Dear Father Paul: My wife and I have recently come into quite a bit of money. We

are talking about using it to buy a vacation home. The only problem is she

is a "beach person" and I am a "mountain person." We've

been going back and forth on which way to go for several months now. She

won't budge and neither will I. - Bob, Fayetteville

Dear Bob: Assuming that you have paid the tithe on your newfound wealth

to your church ... sorry, just kidding, I couldn't help myself. Seriously,

you don't have to rush into anything before you come to an agrement. "Beach

people" and "mountain people" can be a lot like "cat

people" and "dog people," separated by a wide gulf that's

hard to bridge. Both or you are going to have to compromise a little, though.

Go ahead now and invest the money with something solid that'll produce some

earnings. Then you and your wife agree on a plan where for the next 2-3 years

you rent a condo at the beach somewhere where it is warm when it's cold here,

then rent a condo somewhere in the mountains when it is hot here. I'm betting

that over 2-3 years you will both naturally gravitate toward one over the

other, then purchase the vacation home you both like. You may find, too,

that there is a lot to be said for hassle-free renting vs. the "joys" of

ownership. A nice motor home or luxury camper might be another great alternative.

Going that route would allow you to go to both the beach and the mountains

any time you want. Be advised, however, that these do not appreciate in value

like real estate.

[Father Paul Massey is vicar of Church Of The Holy Cross, which meets Saturday

evenings at 6 p.m. at Fayetteville's Historic Train Depot. Send your questions

to "Dear Father Paul" at [email protected] or P.O. Box 510,

Fayetteville, GA 30214.]