Contributing Writer

Soon we will have another addition to our family. No, The Wife is not expecting.

Big Brother James is; well, his wife is. Another little girl will soon be

bouncing their way.

James doesn't need any help on what to do when baby arrives (he just

had a little girl two years ago), but you soon-to-be parents out there might. Unlike

computers, digital cameras, or plasma televisions, babies don't come

with instruction, ya know. So here are just a few of the many helpful things

yours truly has learned being a dad.

When changing baby boys, you need two diapers, not one. Don't ask why,

just trust me on this and get the second one ready when you're changing

the first. Babies will spit up if they are sick, happy, excited to see you

after you've worked a ten-hour day, when they sit on Dad's shoulders

hanging onto his hair watching a parade go by, right after drinking their

first Coke, if they're spun around too much or thrown up in the air

too many times.

Babies can scream and cry so loudly that the neighbors will complain to

animal control that you are torturing stray cats again. For you soon-to-be

new moms, if you have long hair, cut it now. If you want to know the reason,

just refer to the paragraph above. For you soon-to-be new dads, work as much

overtime as you can now. Diapers are expensive, and your new bundle of joy

will soon go through a pant load. Sorry about that one.

Also expensive are baby toys, strollers, car seats, the "must have" designer

baby furniture, baby outfits, baby pictures and new shirts for you (refer

to the second paragraph above). Special Note: On the side of the diaper box,

it reads "5 to 10 pounds." This is NOT how much the diaper must

weight before you change it.

Sesame Street comes on twice during the day, at two and four, and Cookie

Monster is by far the coolest. When the phone rings, baby thinks it's

the signal to be REALLY LOUD. Nap time for baby means nap time for Mom. After

speaking baby talk all day, when you go out shopping, remember you're

talking to adults. Baby sisters aren't paid nearly enough and, for that

matter, neither are new moms. Very important for new dads: when you get home,

take over watching baby for a while so your wife can get out of the house

and have some down time. Believe it or not, running around taking care of

baby all day will wear her out.

As baby gets a little older and moves out of your room into the nursery,

get a radio monitor. When baby learns to walk, make sure you lock the bathroom

door, and before you take a shower, double check to make sure it's locked.

After weeks of encouragement, you and your wife will cheer to baby's

first step, and then you'll spend the next five years saying, "Stop

running in the house," "Quit jumping on the furniture," and

my favorite, "Can't you stand still for one minute?"

Grandparents will feed your kids the very same junk food they wouldn't

feed you when you were a kid, then give them