I forced myself Sunday night

to watch the three-and-a-half-hour Grammys broadcast on CBS to see just

what it is that the rest of the world is listening to. I had a general

idea about the kind of clueless mega-commercial I was sitting down to

endure. I knew I would be rolling my eyes and making snide comments under

my breath, but somewhere deep down I was hoping I would actually enjoy

the show. Then again, who am I kidding? I hate the Grammys!

Call me old. Call me out of

the loop. From what I see of the nominees, these Grammy people have the

most boring music collection in the world. Lame and predictable are the

two words that come to mind when I see that little gramophone tchotchke.

If they had had any sense at all, the Grammys would have closed up shop

after the Milli Vanilli debacle. Who takes these awards seriously besides

the people winning them?

No one I've ever known

in all my years of record geekdom has ever shown any regard for this atrocious

parade of banality. And I have known a lot of record geeks in my time.

Music fanatics, vinyl junkies and soundheads. In the real world, people

don't pick their tunes by award shows. They use their ears.

I grew up listening to The

Beatles, so maybe that makes me a dinosaur. I prefer to think that my

rock references have some validity in their agedness. There have been

so many great bands who have come and gone without any sort of industry

honors. Maybe that is what makes it so difficult to applaud chart toppers

and crowd pleasers. The only way I can think of to illustrate this oversight

is to list, first of all, music that has been missed by the Grammy radar

recently.

Massive Attack's last

album, "The 100th Window," was a cool record. I guess they've

never heard of them. Superchunk's "Here's to Shutting Up"

showed great maturity and is simply brilliant. Oh well. The Strokes'

"Is This It?" and "Room on Fire" are both infectious

records. Not compromising enough? Godspeed You Black Emperor's albums

are amazing. Not consumer friendly, though. Death Cab for Cutie has a

new album out. "The Photo Album" was excellent. No reason to

think that the new one won't be as well. Guided By Voices should

get an award just for tenacity. There is no one who comes close to Robert

Pollard's lyrics, and GBV's music is simply landmark. Stereolab

and Air deserve more media attention, as do Underworld and Primal Scream.

And what about Manic Street Preachers? They deserve something!

I know I'm forgetting

lots of people here, but my point is this. How can an award be considered

legitimate when the whole picture is not being seen? I admit I don't

know a lot about country music. I like Buck Owens, but that doesn't

make me an affectionado. I know a little about jazz and like just about

anything I hear in that area. I like R&B, but rap and hip-hop elude

me. I own one rap album, "Life After Death" by the Notorious

B.I.G. It's like a rap version of "The Wall" and is full

of invention. A powerful record. Yet, for the most part, the whole talking

over samples, rhyming for rhyme's sake routine doesn't get it.

The slow, undulating beats of hip hop with all the grunting and groaning

of simulated sex is not my idea of music.

I do appreciate some of the

recording techniques and tricks that have come out of rap and hip-hop.

I would just like to see it used on something else beside bling-bling,

babelicious, booty beats. I don't care to be glared at from a record

sleeve like I've done something wrong. Sneering doesn't work

for me.

I like art. In my music and

in my graphics. The graphics and art behind rap are as bad as metal. And

metal is doing a huge disservice to people who actually know how to write

a great guitar solo. The whole Eddie Van Halen "how many notes can

I play per second" is a dead end.

Let me just finish this up

with a flat-out list of bands that deserve a lifetime achievement award

or a "best band that is too original for any other category"

Grammy, even though we are now up to 105. Here goes:

The Jam, The Chameleons, The

Legendary Pink Dots, Tones On Tail, Einsturzende Neubauten, Felt, Big

Black, Killing Joke, X, Spiritualized, Loop, Gong, Henry Cow, Caravan,

Soft Machine, Television, Magazine, Joy Division, Throbbing Gristle, The

Buzzcocks, Spacemen 3, Gentle Giant, Van Der Graaf Generator, Cabaret

Voltaire, Dead Can Dance, Bauhaus, The Woodentops, The Fall, Polvo, Supergrass,

Mogwai, Pulp, Placebo, Xmal Deutchland, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Husker

Du, The Melvins, Cardiacs and The Last.

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