The speeches that work the

best for me are are uncomfortable political agenda rants that turns the

air to glass with tension. I love those! I'm praying that Charlene

Theron wins for her amazing portrayal of Aileen Wuornos in the film "Monster"

so that she might say something scary.

Actually, Diane Keaton, who

I love like a sister; a famous, estranged sister, will most likely walk

off with the prize. Hollywood is much more comfortable giving its accolades

to cutesy roles that don't confront us except for maybe a quick full

frontal shot that knocks us on our rumps, I mean, rear! Jack Nicholson

lost his patented cool over Diane's moment of glory. Maybe that's

why he didn't get nominated again. Lucky us.

The whole function would make

more sense if the awards were customized each year to fit the particular

entries. "The Lord of the Rings", that 200 hour fantasy geek-off

would garner several more nominations if this were the case; best bug-eyed

stare, Elijah Wood; best Hobbit with a "raging 'tude",

Sean Aston; best old guy running around with a stick and a pointy hat,

Ian McKellan.

This list could stretch on

for pages. I haven't even mentioned one of my favorite actors, Johnny

Depp, being nominated for livening up the vacuous "Pirates of the

Caribbean." Oops, I guess I just did. I haven't mentioned Tin

Burton's "Big Fish" getting nominated for best score and

only best score. Oops, I did it again. And I haven't even mentioned

the category that burns my rear, I mean rump more than any other.

Best song, the overblown production

number category that threatens to turn the event into the world's

worst variety show, might redeem itself ever so slightly if "The

Triplets of Belleville" wins. I still haven't forgiven the academy

for snubbing "Come What May" from "Moulin Rouge."

"Triplets" is up

against the Disney machine for best animated feature but has a better

chance of winning the song category since the characters depicted in the

French film are not sexless, doe-eyed plush toys. I suppose I could appease

myself with the upcoming Grammys and its take on the world of music. Then

again, the choices they make give me a splitting headache.

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