A slug is, for the most part, a docile little invertebrate � spending

all of its time eating, sleeping, and just lying around being a slug.

It's aptly named. One of God's small creatures overlooked 'til

we accidentally step on it. But we can learn a lot from the misunderstood

slime trailer.

A slug is not in any big hurry to do anything � especially anything physical.

You've never seen one running, have you? The slug motto: eat a lot,

lie around, and if you need anything done just tell The Boy to go get

it. Okay, so I added that last part, but you get the idea. Just add football

and a remote control, and the life of a slug doesn't sound too bad.

After all of the cooking and baking The Wife did this past holiday season

and the many pounds I have gained, I now consider myself to be the first

official human slug! I'm sure there're a lot of fellow slugs

out there, especially those of you who have overindulged during the past

months. Welcome all to Slugdom!

Ah, Slugdom, where us slugs just lie around, munching on Christmas cookies,

snacking on assorted Hershey chocolates, gobbling mass amounts of holiday

food seeing just how much weight we can gain while watching endless hours

of bowl games on TV. The only real worries that a slug has are whether

someone will pour salt on it and whether the food will run out.

But Slugdom, aka the holiday season, is in danger! Be afraid, all you

fellow slugs! Something's afoot that could spell the end to our beloved

way of life. If they get their way it will be no more super-sizing at

the drive-thru. Extra butter on that salty popcorn at the movies will

be a thing of the past and Aunt Martha's finger-licking-good-double

chocolate cake? No more! The Wife's double pineapple pound cake will

be but a fond memory of crumbs. What horrendous thing could put an end

to the many slime trails to the refrigerator? Well, none other than the

first-of-the-year workout craze. Oh the horror!

Each January we slugs are bombarded with ads of thin models in fitness

center commercials working out to be even thinner! They're always

smiling and laughing and never seem to sweat. I've got one question.

Where are all these people? I've been working out in gyms for the

last 30 years, never have I seen a thin model from TV working out. Ya

know why? They don't have to! They're already thin! Only people

I see in gyms are the overweight, sweaty, non-smiling types. You know

... us slugs.

I must confess - as slugs go, I'm of the holiday variety. Otherwise

I'm a rather active fellow. But even so, all the fitness ads on radio

and TV the last couple of weeks are enough to make even a holiday slug

like me run, er, slime for the hills. But to be fair to the health care

industry let's break out the old Ben Franklin balance sheet and look

at the pros and cons of going to the gym to get back into shape.

Here's the con side to going to the gym: in January there's

just no time and there are no parking spaces. It's hard to find a

parking space 'cause all the other slugs are out trying to get back

into shape. Better to put it off 'til April; then there will be lots

of empty spaces to choose from. If you can wait 'til April, summer's

right around the corner and so is vacation time. Why get started in April

and workout for a couple of months just to stop for the summer? Better

not start 'til the fall.

During the fall, the kids are starting