Last week we had a little mishap

with the car. Unfortunately, it was an incredibly expensive little mishap,

one that caused us to call the insurance company to see if we were covered.

After being on the phone for

over an hour and then filling out countless insurance forms, I've

come to the brilliant conclusion once again that things were a lot simpler

and a lot cheaper back in the day when we were kids � especially all this

business about insurance.

Back in Mrs. Crabtree's

fifth-grade class at Mount Olive Elementary school, we also paid for insurance.

The insurance we had wasn't on cars, it was on us, and the premiums

weren't paid in dollars � they were paid in sticky bun cinnamon rolls.

All of us kids from Flamingo Street sat at the same table during lunch:

Goofy Steve, Neighbor Thomas, Booger, Art, The New Kid, and Twin Brother

Mark. At the end of the table sat Bubba Hanks. Bubba's sat there

'cause he needed the room for his two trays. Bubba ate a lot of food!

We all sat together, not just

to plan how we would win the upcoming after-lunch dodge ball game against

Team Gloucester (which, by the way, we always lost), but also for protection.

We knew if one of us gave Bubba an extra sticky bun cinnamon roll during

lunch, he'd protect us for the rest of the day from the bullies who

sat just two tables over. Now Bubba said we didn't have to 'cause

he really liked to pound on bullies, but we always gave him one anyway.

Guess you'd call it bully insurance, and I needed it more than most.

Down The Street Bully Brad

was the resident bully at Mount Olive and my arch nemesis. He'd try

to beat me up at least once a week, but right before we got out for Christmas

break things were gonna be different - Booger and me were gonna give him

an Atomic Wedgie! The plan was to sneak up behind Bully Brad when he was

talking with his bully friends during recess and give him a wedgie. A

bold plan indeed, but if we could give the bully a wedgie, then maybe

we could make it an Atomic Wedgie by pulling his under pants up so hard

that we pulled them right over his shoulders! Afterwards, I'd run

for my life, of course. They didn't call me Flash in the fifth grade

because I was slow. If Bully Brad caught me - well then, that's when

the insurance, er, Bubba Hanks came in.

Bubba Hanks weighed over 200

pounds and was only in the fifth grade. In the second grade Bubba was

out sick from school for three months due to a bad kidney infection and

had to repeat it the next year. Even though he was a year and a half older

than me, he and I had been in the same grade since. Some say the kidney

infection was why he's so big. He had to lie in bed for months and

do nothing - I guess he did something; he ate. But if you ask me, Bubba

was so big 'cause he really liked those sticky bun cinnamon rolls

he got at lunch.

That afternoon before the dodge

ball game, Booger and I snuck up behind Bully Brad during recess and reached

for his underpants. That was the same time he turned around and sneered!

At that moment I didn't have to run faster than Bully Brad, all I

had to do was run faster than Booger. Like I said, lucky for me I could

run really fast back in the fifth grade. When I was running for my life

from Bully Brad, Goofy Steve danced around and sang, "Flash is running

from the bully today so he can live to run another day." That Goof,

he's really funny.

What about our car and the

insurance coverage? (The Wife reminds me that it's not just a car,

it's a Mercedes.) Well, after two long conversations with the insurance

company, and a visit from an adjuster, they came to this final conclusion

(spoken, of course, in insurance-speak): "The insured part was indeed

insured, but we are sorry to inform you that it flew off and hit an uninsured

part. Now the part that was once insured is no longer insured."

I think the people at the insurance

company need an Atomic Wedgie. Just as soon as I find Booger, we'll

sneak down there.

[Rick Ryckeley is employed

be reached at [email protected].]