Okay, so I'm

not the sharpest crayon in the box.

I removed the

tag from our new mattress, the seam split open and the stuffing fell out.

I go swimming right after eating, and get cramps in my legs. I talk on

the phone during electrical storms, and now I have to go out and buy a

new cordless phone. I don't listen to The Wife and it gets me into trouble.

All these things can be hazardous, especially that last one.

I have figured

out in four short years that it is better to not only to listen The Wife,

but also do what she says. If I do, I find it's a lot cheaper, keeps me

out of a whole lot of trouble and keeps her from saying, "I told

you so."

The other day

The Wife got to say, "I told you so." Because I didn't listen

to her, things got expensive around our house real expensive.

You say you're

having a hard time justifying a new computer? You say surfing the Internet

with your old computer is more like dog paddling? You say you just can't

convince your loved one that you should spend your vacation money on a

6oo-megahertz computer complete with a DVD player, surround sound speakers

and a 50-gig hard drive?

Well do I have

just the solution for you! Just watch the Weather Channel for the next

electrical storm near you and you'll soon be on the way to the biggest,

baddest computer your vacation money can buy. Once the electrical storm

has past, the smoke around your computer has dissipated, and you have

informed your spouse of the unfortunate mishap with a lighting bolt, it's

then time for a trip to the local computer store to pick out a new one

computer, not wife.

As soon as

the smoke cleared in our office I reached for the phone and dialed My

Computer Guy. My Computer Guy is standing by anytime, day or night, to

answer all my frantic calls for help. With his white lab coat and trusty

electronic utility tool belt complete with wire-cutting-monkey-grabbing-plier-thingies,

he stands ready in his red and white electronics van to answer my call.

Except this time he didn't answer (guess he finally got caller I.D.) so

I took The Boy to the computer store instead.

You say you

don't know your ram from your hard drive? All sound and graphic cards

look alike to you? Don't know a gig from a floppy or a megabyte from a

mosquito bite? Well then, just take your teenager to the local computer

store and let him do the shopping for you. In fact, you can just drop

him off and he'll still be talking computerese with the resident computer

geek when you return from your trip to the local coffee shop. Leastwise

that's what I did.

After purchasing

what The Boy said was the fastest and best computer on the market, I called

The Wife to tell her how much money we saved. She said, "You saved

so much money you could buy two. Why don't you buy The Boy one?"

An hour later, with two new computers and one very excited boy bouncing

around the truck, we got home. The Boy set right off to work putting the

new computers together.

The Wife asked

sweetly while batting her long eyelashes, "What are you going to

put the new computer on, sweetie?" I grabbed my keys and it was off

to the local computer store once again, this time for a new computer desk;

luckily, I drove my turbo-diesel F-250 pickup truck. I picked out a big

desk and chair, paid for it, and waited at my truck for the stock boy

to bring my, er, The Wife's new office furniture out. When he did it was

in 400 pieces the desk, not the chair; the chair was only in 20 pieces.

Glad I've got The Boy at the house; he likes to put things together.

Home again,

The Boy was already playing video games on one computer and testing out

the new DVD player on the other. I told him he could earn some extra money

if he would put together the 400 piece desk and the 20 piece chair. The

Boy asked, "Can I earn enough to buy some basketball shoes?"

"Sure",

I said. Besides, I thought, basketball shoes can't cost all that much

anyway. Boy was I wrong.

A few things

I have learned by watching him putting together the 400-piece desk. Tab

A doesn't necessarily fit into slot B unless you bang it repeatedly with

a big hammer. If the short screws that came with the desk don't work,

just get longer ones from the hardware store. You can use aforementioned

big hammer to bang the longer screws back through after they penetrate

the top of the desk. Unlike repairing a car, extra parts are not a good

thing to have left over.

The #1 thing

I learned while The Boy was putting together the desk was: if it doesn't

fit, you can force it; just don't let your dad see you doing it.

The electrical

storm got The Boy a new computer and a pair of high-dollar tennis shoes.

The electrical storm got The Wife a new computer and new office furniture.

The electrical storm gave me a new appreciation for the talents of The

Boy. You know, he ain't so bad to have around after all.

[Rick Ryckeley

is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services.

He can be reached at [email protected].]