In the course

of my short stay here on this world, I have learned many things ­

some helpful, some not so helpful. I have made many goofs ­ some

big, some small. The following is a list of some of the helpful stuff,

life's lessons, as you may, that I have learned. It is with hope that

in reading them, they will keep you from making the same goofs and, hopefully,

keep you safe and out of trouble. Besides, I need to tell someone - my

teenager won't listen to me.

Life lessons

learned while on vacation: The Wife says rest stops on the highway are

placed strategically two hours apart for a reason. I have been informed

if I know what's good for me I'd better stop at each one of them. Going

with the flow of traffic is not an excuse for speeding ­ least that's

what the police officer said. If you're gonna go the posted speed limit

stay in the right lane so the speeders can fly past in the left. If you

don't they will give you a friendly little wave as they go by. One inch

on a map translates into two hours of driving and one rest stop.

You only get

lost when your car is on empty. On vacations, you always get lost. Before

going on a vacation, you can't wait to get away from your house. At the

end of a vacation, you can't wait to get back home. Jamestown had 500

settlers living there in 1607. By 1609 only 60 were still alive. Seeing

how they lived way back then, I would not have lasted 60 days. There are

no Mercedes repair shops in Colonial Williamsburg.

Life lessons

learned about children: If you think you have your life in order and can

deal with anything, just have a couple of kids. No matter how much you

plead, teenagers won't listen to you. If teenagers ran the country, they

could fix everything in a day. Everything you said you would never do

when you have kids you will. Getting called to the principal's office

is just as bad when you're an adult as when you're a kid. It takes three

large packs of cherry Jell-O to turn an entire aquarium into fish Jell-O.

You can buy

$40 tickets, get cokes, get the best seats in the house, but you can't

make a ten and thirteen year-old pay attention to a play about Thomas

Jefferson and John Adams. No matter how riveting it is. They will be more

interested in the spider web and the spider coming down from the ceiling.

Life lessons

learned about family: No matter how much encouragement you get from your

bothers, it's never a good idea to pop your sister's new bra strap or

that of any other girls for that matter. Don't throw a rubber snake on

Dad when he's sleeping on the couch after a hard days work. Visits from

family are like fish ­ after three days, it's about time to throw

both of them out.

Life lessons

learned about home-sweet-home: Nothing destroys a home like home improvement.

Any home improvement job you say will take only ten minutes will take

three hours and two trips to the hardware store. The tool you need to

finish the ten minute home improvement job you sold in a garage sale last

month for two dollars. The new tool will cost $30. If you borrow the tool

you need from your best friend, it will break and you will have to buy

him a new one ­ or get a new friend - which ever is cheaper.

No matter what

colors The Wife picks out to repaint the rooms in the house, you will

love them. If the dryer breaks and you have to buy a new one, the washer

will also break within two months. Kitchens are never big enough. You

never have enough closets. The grass is always greener on the other side

of the fence ­ that's because it's over a septic tank.

Life lessons

learned while on the job: All jobs have two very important rules: rule

number one ­ the boss is always right. Rule number two ­ when

in doubt, refer to rule number one. Every job has a book of rules and

regulations; you don't want to be the reason why they add a new one.

A couple of

parting tips on computers: Typing on a computer during an electrical storm

can cause you to lose the entire document one is writing for the newspaper,

making you start over from scratch. If you don't listen to The Wife and

continue writing during the affordmentioned electrical storm, it can cause

you to fry your computer. New computer and e-mail address coming soon.

[Rick Ryckeley

is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services.]