The Academy

Awards will take place Sunday evening, even if we are dropping bombs over

Baghdad at that point. I see Iraqi soldiers and civilians ducking for

cover as DVDs of "The Hot Chick" fall from the sky. The questions

as Oscar time nears are "Will 'Chicago' sweep, Will Nicole Kidman

win for 'The Hours,' Will the program end before midnight? Does anybody

care?"

I made my picks

for the nominations earlier this year and did fairly well. At the end

of this column I'll give you who I think will win in the top five. However,

before we get to that, here are other predictions of what will happen

at this year's Academy Awards.

Host Steve

Martin will use a joke similar to my dropping bombs over Baghdad joke.

It will get

more laughs than mine did.

The camera

will pan to Rene Zellweger close to 400 times during the broadcast and

she will look more nervous and pinched than usual.

Martin will

also slam Joan Rivers in his monologue. The stars and the millions of

people at home watching will applaud.

Someone will

wear a dress that looks like it was made by a frazzled, over-caffeinated,

over-tired mother of six for one of her children's school production of

"The Four Food Groups."

Said dress

will have a price tag of several thousand dollars.

The entire

viewing audience will change channels for close to an hour as the really

boring awards, including the lifetime achievement award, are presented.

They will

probably watch an old episode of "Cheers" or "Trading Spaces"

instead.

During the

evening, a winner will give a speech and forget to mention a family member.

Though we will never see it, his or her life will never be the same again.

A group of

people will be on stage after having won an award. One person will speak

too long, while another person, one with something better and most likely

more clever to say, keeps inching closer and closer to the podium. He

will be interrupted by the music.

Almost every

winner will be interrupted by the music.

Should Anthony

Hopkins present an award, he will make some reference to his role as Hannibal

Lecter.

Unfortunately,

it will not be the "Liver and Fava Beans" reference.

Ashton Kutcher

will not present an award. Nor will Freddie Prinze Jr. The world will

rejoice.

The best moment

of the night will be when hundreds of clips from some of the best loved

moments of all time are shown.

The second

best moment will be the clips of the actors and directors who have passed

away in the past year.

The worst

moment of the night will be when the President of the Academy gives his

annual speech.

Viewers will

switch over to "Fear Factor" at that point.

O.K., here

are my picks for the five major awards.

Best Supporting

Actress - Meryl Streep "Adaptation."

Best Supporting

Actor - Chris Cooper - "Adaptation."

Best Actress

- Rene Zellweger - "Chicago."

Best Actor

- Daniel Day-Lewis - "Gangs of New York."

Best Picture

- "Chicago."

The Academy

Awards will be on ABC Sunday night at 8 p.m. I'll be watching, until "Six

Feet Under" comes on at 9 p.m.

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