The other day,

I overheard that the French have been selling spare parts for attack helicopters

and fighter jets to the government of Iraq. So, in a few days, French-equipped

aircraft will be shooting at American forces. I also heard that, following

the impending war, the French, who have undermined the U. S. at every

opportunity want to be involved in the "rebuilding of Iraq"

and have pledged that, if Iraq uses weapons of mass destruction against

the U.S. and allied troops, the French will then step in and "defend"

the U. S. soldiers.

I began to

wonder what that great statesman and philosopher, the late Lewis Grizzard

of Moreland, Georgia, might think about such goings-on. Without presuming

what might be in the mind of Mr. Gizzard, God rest his soul, I have come

up with an idea: Forget Iraq, invade France.

The invasion

of France shouldn't take very long, four or five hours at the most, depending

on how long it takes the French to surrender, stack their weapons, and

go home. Once this is accomplished, the U. S. and allied forces could

begin rebuilding France into a civilized nation. Here are some ideas,

for starters:

Finish building

the Eiffel Tower. The whole thing looks like someone took a giant erector

set and just never finished the job. Put a cell phone tower on the top

and stick a McDonald's in the bottom. Maybe they could cover the thing

with vinyl siding and stick a "See Rock City" sign on the outside.

Dismantle

the French military and start over. Send in the Green Berets, like we

do in other third world countries, to teach the people how to fight. We

could keep the French Foreign Legion, since they do know how to fight.

Of course, that may be because there are very few French in the French

Foreign Legion.

Send the leadership

of the French Army to Iraq to teach Saddam how to surrender.

Teach the

French men how to bathe and use soap.

Teach the

French women how to shave.

Send in Operation

Rescue to gather up the French fashion models and rush them to an eating

disorder clinic.

Give the French

a new language one that doesn't sound so prissy and sissy. Oh, I know

that some people think that French sounds romantic but how sexy is a language

in which people say "Oui, oui" all over the place? Isn't that

what "this little piggy" kept saying, "all the way home?"

Mandate that

all French adults and schoolchildren be enrolled in Dale Carnegie's "How

to Win Friends and Influence People" course. Every year. For the

rest of their lives.

Prohibit the

French from eating all that cheese and drinking all that wine. I think

that's what makes them the way they are. In fact, outlaw French wine and

cheese. The world will surely be better for it.

Make rudeness

a felony in France.

Build lots

more jails to house all the rude French men and women.

And finally,

make June 6 a national holiday. On that day, require all French citizens

over the age of six to visit the U. S. military cemeteries and stop at

every one of the 55,000 + graves of American fighting men who died defending

and liberating France in the two world wars and demand that they say,

"Thank you," at every single headstone. Persons who refuse will

be exiled to Iraq.

[David Epps

is the rector of Christ the King Church on Ga. Highway 34 between Newnan

and Peachtree City. He is a veteran of the U. S. Marine Corps and has

never been to France or desired to go. He may be contacted at [email protected].]