Disturbing, yes. But hardly

surprising. Recent reports of a 14-year-old Massachusetts middle school

girl engaging in oral sex with a 16-year-old high school boy differed

only slightly from scores of similar tales told with increasing regularity

in cities and towns across the country. The setting (a schoolbus) and

the audience (classmates) make it especially unappealing but really not

that different. After all, it was not too long ago that news broke of

a senior class scavenger hunt proffering points for proof (videos and

such) of masturbation, oral sex and public intercourse.

In her book, "The Sex

Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and

Girls," psychiatrist Lynn Ponton makes the case that sex is a fact

of life for all young adults, even if only in fantasy. Further down that

path went Judith Levine in "Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting

Children from Sex," essentially arguing that sex is not inherently

a bad thing for kids, more so the stigmatizing of it.

Regardless of where one stands

on the questions of if and when, why and how, it seems to me that indiscriminate,

sometimes indiscreet, and often exploitative sexual behavior by school

children, some not yet old enough to even drive, points to forces far

greater or lesser than healthy human development.

The culprit? A lack of inhibition

fueled in equal parts by pubertal predisposition to separate consequence

from behavior, social "norming," and adult indifference and

inattention.

Understandably, many teens

lack the foresight, and probably the cognitive makeup, to accurately anticipate

possible, even predictable, results. This developmental disconnect accounts

for all types of destructive decisions, from driving drunk to unprotected

sex. Teens need help, and each other, for reality reminders that link

actions with outcomes and reinforce responsibility in relationships. Sadly,

most girls and boys who have been sexually active wish they had waited.

While each of us is influenced

true during adolescence, when an almost innate drive to "go along

to get along" platforms such development prerogatives as independence,

identity formation and socialization. Media images that portray sex as

casual and unimportant create a false sense of acceptability in the minds

of those already predisposed to test limits and take risks. As one teen

put it, "If you watch TV, you just assume everyone is having sex."

Last but not least, parents

who don't know, or don't want to know, about the incredibly sexualized

world in which kids live do little to help them navigate the maze of information,

influence and decision.

What does that world look like?

According to new Teens Today research from SADD (Students Against Destructive

Decisions), almost one in four sixth graders, and one in three seventh

graders, has engaged in sexual behavior. Less surprising, if no less troubling,

more than three in four twelfth graders report the same.

Hidden behind those numbers

is a pervasive attitude that, short of intercourse, sex if you even call

it that just doesn't matter. Sex with a friend, sex with a stranger, sex

in private, sex in public. It all boils down to just having fun. It's

no big deal. Indeed, some students interviewed about the bus brigade seemed

nonchalant, even impressed.

It may be too soon for longitudinal

analysis that captures the aftershocks of early, intimate (and occasionally

demeaning) sex acts but it's not too soon to point to a long trail of

remorse, regret, and worse. Far too often, sexual affirmation results

in sexual exploitation of girls and boys and sexual violence.

And that pain never really

goes away. Victims of sexual violence commonly fear intimacy, suffer from

shame and self-doubt, and experience academic difficulty. And much like

other antecedents of psychological discomfort, such crimes can precipitate

self-medication with alcohol and other drugs.

Of course, alcohol and drugs

can also be a precursor to sexual experimentation and assault. A study

released by the Kaiser Family Foundation noted that 29 percent of teens

ages 15 to 17 said alcohol or other drugs influenced their decision to

do something sexual, with 25 percent saying it caused them to do more

than they had planned. Similarly, impairment increases the likelihood

that a young person will commit or be the victim of violence, including

rape.

While friends and older siblings

are important influencers of teen decisions about sex, parents are still

the number one reason that young people don't make poor choices. Teens

who have open communication with their parents are more likely to report

that their parents influence their decisions about sexual activity, and

parents who convey expectations about sexual behavior (more than one in

three do not, according to Teens Today) are more likely to have teens

who try to meet those standards.

With effort, patience and no

small amount of courage, parents can help young adults to better understand

the physical and emotional risks of sexual behavior, the responsibilities

that come with mutually caring and respectful relationships, standards

for acceptable behavior and the role that alcohol and other drugs can

play in impairing judgment and creating risk.

Schoolbuses or not, these are

clearly tricky and uncomfortable issues for many families to address.

Given the stakes, however, there is no other choice. Life, as they say,

is not a dress rehearsal. It's for real. Just like sex.

[Stephen Wallace is a psychologist,

the national chairman and chief executive officer of SADD, Inc., and a

member of the Massachusetts Task Force on Sexual Assault and Abuse. SADD

sponsors school-based education and prevention programs nationwide and

makes available at no charge the SADD Contract for Life and the Opening

Lifesaving Lines brochure, both designed to facilitate effective parent-child

communication. Toll-free: 877-SADD-INC. For more information on the Teens

Today research, visit https://www.saddonline.com.]