Optimists and pessimists used

to be defined respectively as people who saw the glass half full or half

empty. I guess today, in a "Code Orange" world, they would be

defined as seeing the world as either "halfway to Code Yellow"

or "halfway to Code Red." Optimists today, though, probably

qualify for minority status.

In the most simple way I can

put it, people today seem to just focus on the bad, first in our dissatisfaction

with everything, next in our illogical need to always lay blame, and finally

in our obsessiveness with perfection. It all just makes me so unhappy.

I think it's my fifth grade teacher's fault. She was such a failure.

Personally, I feel we can find

good in any and every situation. Lost your job? Finally you have some

free time. Gas prices going through the roof? You can car-pool with friends

and build up a tolerance for communicable diseases and guys who tell unfunny

jokes. Boyfriend dump you? You can finally rearrange that sock drawer

that you used to give so much attention to (Well, that is what you girls

told me when I asked you out!).

Television again is a great

metaphor for us as a people. In the old days when folks had only three

channels to watch and one of them you could barely see, even with the

tin foil on the rabbit ears, people were happy. And not just simply happy,

they were ecstatic to see Milton Berle in a dress or Marshal Dillon separate

the good guys from the bad. Nowadays we have 300 channels and can't find

anything to watch but some real-life schlubs make real-life fools of themselves.

Not to mention, the good guys and bad guys have been so tossed in the

entertainment salad, nobody today can tell a Tony Soprano from a Tom Brokaw.

It seems evident that as life

improves, optimism declines. I guess there is no need for it. A man with

four aces doesn't need to hope for a good draw. What I find the most humorous

is that people today actually think that optimism (aka looking for the

good in things) is naive; when actually, naive is just Evian spelled backwards;

you know, the water they put a label on and sell to us for $4 a pop.

A friend recommended I check

out the Optimist Club's creed and, boy, I wish I could live so positively

positive. Here are a few excerpts: "To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness and prosperity

to every person you meet. To look at the sunny side of everything and

make your optimism come true. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile. To give so much time

to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others."

After reading that, I think

most of us need the equivalent of the drug addict's "detox."

I wonder if they have a "Betty Ford Clinic for the Persistently Negative."

Our mantra could simply be, "Look for the Good." I feel like

I try. A long time ago, I made up the epithet I want on my tombstone:

"Whereever he was, he had the most fun." I hope this stands

for my whole life.

There is a pretty simple test

today to tell if you are an optimist or pessimist. If you regularly fear

tumors from cell phones, stains on hotel room walls (that can only be

seen under infrared lights), toxins in drinking water, toxins in the air,

heck, toxins in anything then you might be a pessimist. But you can at

least blame the eleven o'clock news. If you don't watch the news, you're

an optimist.

[Find Billy on the 'net

at www.ebilly.net.]