I saw Morgan Fairchild in person.

It was not too long ago when I was at Philips Arena for a Crosby, Stills,

Nash and Young concert. There she was, walking by, backstage, larger than

life. She was the figurative equal in size to the literal David Crosby.

As highlights go in a life half-lived so far, it will be tough to equal

the event of seeing Morgan Fairchild in person.

Life really is about having

goals and seeking to attain them. This worked for Bill Gates in spite

of his haircut. This worked for O. J. in spite of that murder thing. This

hasn't worked so far for Britney Spears, but I am sure it will, as soon

as they create an Academy Award for Best Performance in a Leather Studded

Bra.

I saw Morgan Fairchild in person.

I know I should have probably set my goals higher in life, but after all,

what are riches and fame compared to the opportunity to say to your idol,

"You look bigger on television." (In retrospect, this is not

something you really, ever want to say to any woman: "You look bigger

...")

Morgan Fairchild began her

career simply enough; as Faye Dunaway's double in "Bonnie and Clyde,"

but reached career heights with such gems as, "Pee Wee's Great Adventure,"

"Body Chemistry III," and "Test Tube Teens from the Year

2000." You won't see finer acting this side of "Saved By the

Bell."

But this column is not really

about Morgan Fairchild. It's about me, my goals, aspirations and ambitions.

I am a realist. I accept the fact that I am not going to attain the fame

and success of, say, a Ben Affleck, but with persistence, patience and

Jennifer Lopez's propensity to go through men, she might eventually get

around to even me.

Sometimes success is nothing

more than just that, a waiting game. Even a blind hog finds an acorn now

and then ... and then markets it and packages it as "Blind Hog Acorns,"

and makes a million bucks. Then snubs his other hog friends and thinks

he's too good to wallow in the mud anymore. That's the kind of achievement

I seek, to be so successful I can finally snub my friends. Wallowing in

the mud, I will still do.

Attaining our goals and dreams

can be a trap, too. I remember when I was young, when my goal was to own

a Winchester Model 9422 lever action rifle. I reached it. Then it was

a hi-fi, then a girl, then a camera, then another girl, then a car, then

a girl, then cool clothes, then that first girl again, when she had broken

up with her boyfriend, then an 8-track for my car the list was never ending.

And with the exception of getting any of those girls, attaining all my

goals seemed hollow, or at least short-lived.

That's different now. I saw

Morgan Fairchild in person: Petite, perfectly-maned ingénue of

the '80s. The only thing left now for me to do is set my next goal in

life. I am trying to decide between getting a doctorate in mathematical

science or meeting Cindy Crawford.