What day is

this? You there. Boy! What day is this? December 4, you say? Praise God,

I am not too late. Here, take this schilling and buy the fattest Christmas

goose you can find. What do you mean what's a shilling, you silly simpleton.

Never mind, I shall buy it myself.

Ah, what a

wonderous time to be alive. Thank you spirits for showing me the way.

I didn't mean to be a Scrooge so early in the holiday season. I shall

spread the message of good Christmas cheer to everyone through this column.

My story begins

last Thursday, though it seems like an eternity has passed since then.

As I was traveling to Thanksgiving dinner I saw dozens of homes decorated

with Christmas displays. Jolly looking cardboard cutouts of Santa Claus,

his reindeer, elves, and Christmas carolers stood before flashy, blinking

displays of lights.

"Foul,

seizure inducing, tacky fire hazards," I muttered as I pulled into

the driveway of the place where I would eat my Thanksgiving meal. The

dinner was passable and the sentiments light hearted as my colleagues

seemed already flushed with good tidings and holiday cheer. I still felt

that it was much too early for people to be so drunk with the Christmas

spirit. I chugged a warm cup of coffee, said my good-byes and returned

to my home.

I climbed into

bed after taking several antacids. I thought that perhaps I had eaten

some bad Thanksgiving turkey and that I would feel better after a good

night's sleep. Now, that I look back on it, my indigestion may have been

a harbinger of the spirits that would visit me later that night.

Before the

first spirit visited me I dreamt of a bright, multicolored world. People

sang repetitive songs while wearing dopey seasonal sweaters with bells,

cotton balls and mistletoe on them. They clogged the aisles of stores

frantically grabbing and clutching items that nobody really wants or needs,

fearing that they were running out of time to purchase them and fighting

with others who blocked their way.

I awoke with

a start to find a stranger in my room.

"I am

the ghost of last year's Christmas," said the spirit, who looked

a lot like Spongebob Squarepants. "You have a lot to learn about

the Christmas spirit."

Spongebob grabbed

my hand and jumped out of my second story bedroom window. He took me to

the apartment that I lived in the year before. Inside, I was watching

a Christmas special with my loved ones, eating homemade holiday cookies,

which I had decorated, and having an all-around good time.

"See how

happy you were back then," Spongebob said.

"Yes,

but that was Christmas Day, not the day after Thanksgiving. I need to

ease into the holiday spirit, not be flung in immediately after entering

a tryptophan-induced food coma."

"You still

have much to learn," the spirit said ominously and returned me to

my bedroom.

The second

spirit to visit me looked like "Just Shoot Me's" David Spade.

"Dude, you and I are taking a trip to this Christmas." Spade

opened a whole in the floor of my bedroom and when our journey finally

stopped we sat in my empty living room.

"Where

is everyone?" I shouted, my voice echoing off the walls. "Where's

the Christmas tree and my stockings."

"You haven't

put up any decorations, you dweeb. You never got in the holiday spirit

this year and you were doing this to prove a point."

"What

point could I possibly be trying to prove?"

"The point

that you're a bitter jerk, maybe."

"Oh, spirit

that looks like David Spade, forgive me. I want to celebrate Christmas

and if I have to start celebrating on November 29, so be it. I will start

crooning along with the incessant Christmas carols. I'll even buy one

of those sweaters with the pictures of snowmen and reindeers dancing gaily."

I looked around

but David Spade was gone. In his place was a spirit wearing a hooded sweatshirt.

"Are you

the spirit of Christmas future?" I asked.

"Yeah,

but you can call me Shady." It was Eminem, or a spirit that bore

a remarkable resemblance. He launched into a profanity-laced tirade about

how I should just keep my big mouth shut and enjoy the holidays. After

giving me the verbal tongue-lashing of a lifetime, he took me to a bleak

future, where children sat on robotic Santas, who would scan the child's

retinas and print out a gift certificate for the toys they wanted. There

were no candy canes, Christmas trees, light displays or midgets dressed

as elves anywhere to be seen.

"If people

like you continue to hate the holidays, this is what Christmas will become.

You've got to change or I'll pop a cap in ya."

I begged for

my life and for forgiveness, clenching my eyes shut so I would not have

to see the drab, lifeless, cold and impersonal Christmas of the future.

When I opened my eyes, I was home.

I have learned

my lesson. Christmas is a wonderful time of the year, so we shouldn't

worry that we start celebrating it earlier and earlier. It is a time for

all people to unite with good feelings and cheer and grouchy people only

put more people into a grouchy mood.

Now, if you'll

excuse me, I need to find a store that takes schillings and sells geese.

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