It's time for my annual Christmas

carol edition of my column. Of course, the carols have to be updated to

reach the contemporary mind.

"WE THREE KINGS OF

CELLULAR ARE"

We three kings of cellular

are, dialing our phones while we're in the car, Mall and Wal-Mart, bank

and Kay-ay-Mart, chatting to friends afar.

O-o, call of wonder call of

night, call while sitting at the red light, Chatting of rumors, getting

tumors, all while being impolite.

Call did one from the de-en-tist

chair, called another in his underwear, Egos ever, stopping never, some

even call while on welfare.

(Repeat chorus.)

"LITTLE DANGLE BOY

(Ballad of Michael Jackson's Son)" (to the tune of "Little Drummer

Boy")

"Don't," they told

me, pa rum pum pum pum, "Don't look down," they said, pa rum

pum pum pum. "Your father's a freak," they said, pa rum pum

pum pum, "Mil-ky and meek," they said, pa rum pum pum pum rum

pum. RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN ... Michael Jackson's son.

"MASTERCARD" (to

the tune of "Silver Bells")

City sidewalks, where the shoppers

walk, all in holiday style. In the air there's a credit card fever. If

you work hard, get a gold card or platinum one too, then splurge with

a credit limit increase.

Mastercard (Try a Visa too),

Mastercard (Discover you), it's charge-it time in the winter. Mastercard

(Don't pay late), Mastercard (Check the expiration date), Soon it will

be time to pay.

"DO YOU HEAR WHAT I

HEAR? or Ozzy Family Christmas"

Said the goth chick to her

druggie dad, do you see what I see? My *&?#* brother, never takes

a bath, do you smell what I smell? The word, the word, that word, they

love to say. It even makes sailors want to blush. Can't the Osbourne family

just hush?

"AARON THE HUNKY BACHELOR"

(To the tune of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Aaron the hunky bachelor had

100 girls to choose. He liked them in the hot tub, where he could make

his moves. All of the girls did want him and they were so in true love,

Aaron the hunky bachelor said, "Girls, don't push and shove."

Then one shiny Wednesday night

Aaron came to say, "Helene, will you be my wife and please will you

share my life?" Then how Helene did love him, the wedding plans she

did make. Helene, Aaron and their agents, all atop the wedding cake.