The Wife and

I were coming back from dinner when it happened.

I was asked

to go where no man should go ­ the sheer mention of the place strikes

fear in the hearts of most men. The very thought of going there has brought

the strongest down to his knees ­ many have gone; few have lived

to tell about it.

It's a place

that women go without fear, many times a day, but I know of no man that

has gone and come back unchanged. My peerless journey into this uncharted

territory started harmlessly enough with a simple request from The Wife.

While driving

she asked, "Honey, will you get me some Chapstick ­ it's in

my purse." Oh, the horror!

Now you men

out there, I know what you're thinking. You can't believe I've survived

the trip and lived to write about it and you're correct. For a little

while there, it was close, nip and tuck, but I pulled through. I've seen

things you should not see, I've been places you need not be, but I survived

the ordeal, and so can you. That is, if you follow a few of my simple

rules along the way.

The first rule

when asked to get something out of your wife's or girlfriend's purse is

simple: Don't! When asked, just hand them the purse, then that takes all

pressure of performing off of you. Trust me, this is the best way. Besides,

you will not be able to find what they're asking for anyway.

Half the time,

you can't find where you put your car keys. What makes you think you can

find anything in something as complicated as a purse? Searching through

all of those zippers, pockets and buckles; it's enough to make a grown

man cry.

There's a lot

of stuff in one of those little things ­ and just to confuse us men

folk, no two are alike. Some have straps, some are strapless, some are

large, some are small, some have cute little rhinestones, some are made

out of leather, some are round, and some are square, but all have one

thing in common. They have so many pockets and hidden compartments that

you'll spend the better part of your life looking for stuff in one of

those things. So if you get the chance, just hand her the purse ­

you'll be better off.

The second

rule is similar to the first: If you can't hand her the purse then hand

it off. You can maneuver your way nicely out of the high pressure situation

retrieve the item needed in seconds, the same item that would've taken

you hours to find ­ if at all.

The last rule

is easy: Men lose everything, women lose nothing. Why? Because they're

better organized than we are? No, of course not ­ they have a purse

and we don't.

I say the time

to put a stop to this inequality is now! Men unite! Our time is at hand.

Tired of spending hours every week looking for your car keys? Don't know

where that elusive book of stamps ran off to? Can't remember where you

put the power bill? Then the new Male Purse is for you!

Not to be confused

with the fanny pack, the new Male Purse is versatile yet stylish and goes

with any ensemble. Going to the gym for a quick workout? Just try our

athletic gray MP with Velcro closures. Water resistant and sweat resistant

the athletic gray MP is prefect for the man on the go. Ready for a night

on the town, dressed only in blue jeans and tee shirt? No problem. Then

night time Male Purse with long shoulder strap is the right one for you.

The nighttime

MP comes in three colors: battle ship gray, blue jean blue, and golden

beer. For that really special time, the night time MP comes equipped with

a fully retractable, twist-top beer bottle opener. Yes, you too can easily

find all of those everyday important items by just looking in your very

own Male Purse.

If you decide

not to be a trend setter ­ the first on your block with a new Male

Purse ­ then I guess you could do what I do with those important-can't-lose-items

like car keys. I just ask The Wife to put them in her purse. That way,

the next time I can't find my keys she not only will know where they are,

but she will be amused and entertained as I spend hours tearing up the

house looking for them.

[Rick Ryckeley

is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services.

He can be reached at [email protected].]