I look around and see the silliness

circle me like buzzards over a carcass, or at the very least like used

car salesmen with a new customer on the lot. I zoom in on crime in this

spamming.

It may be too late for this

one, but the highlight of last week for me was reading the news headline

that the ex-wife of the sniper (alleged) said she was "for"

him being put to death if he is convicted. Well, ya think?

The triviality of news reporting

has yet again reached a new lower low. What exactly would make the ex-wife

of the sniper (alleged) an expert commentator on his punishment? She is

an ex-wife after all. She probably would want him to get the death penalty

if he was guilty of returning his Blockbuster videos late.

What's next? Will they drag

in the rebellious teenage kids of arrested felons, only to quote the teens

saying, "You know, like, you know my old man, he like, should get

the death penalty or, like even something worse for what he done, you

know what I'm sayin'? And like, do you like my tongue ring and my tattoos?"

Next on the police blotter

is poor Winona Ryder. Up for hard time on shoplifting charges, things

are not looking too good for her. She may even be convicted by the time

this column publishes. She's probably already calling Robert Downey Jr.

for career tips.

Some of the comments from people

on the street about Winona have been hilarious. One person said, "It's

hard to judge her, she's so cute." Another said, "It all doesn't

matter. Celebrities never get prison time." (I quietly wondered if

the person that said that was O.J. Simpson). What she really needs, is

punishment for all the bad movies she's made since "Alien Resurrection."

Though not actually a felony,

though completely criminal, The Love Boat cruise ship is being sold due

to a divorce settlement. Capt. Stubing must be spinning in his grave.

He is dead, right? Isaac Washington, pour me a stiff one.

Though technically named the

"Pacific Princess," The Love Boat is the founder of the comedic

device: "They fall in love, they have a misunderstanding and break

up, and then they get