Ladies and

gentlemen, this column is usually reserved for my attempts at being humorous,

but today I am here to warn everyone of a menace that threatens everything

good and right with the world.

Icebergs.

Icebergs have

long been a thorn in the side of Arctic and Antarctic explorers, not to

mention those poor people in the blockbuster film "Titanic."

These giant mountains of ice float about in the sea, looking for things

to damage and people to kill and it has to end. Now, these frosty fiends

are threatening the oldest colony of Antarctic Emperor penguins by separating

them from other colonies and disrupting their breeding and feeding patterns.

According to

the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in La Jolla, California, the encroaching

icebergs forced several colonies to scatter away from the larger group

and because the food supply is more scarce when they are separated, the

development of the chicks is slower than other penguin chicks. Researcher

Gerald Kooyman also found that there is less breeding going on, which

is not surprising really. How could they think of breeding when the icebergs

are looming?

It also appears

that one group of penguins may have been smooshed between two ice plates

that got pushed together because of, you guessed it, icebergs. I think

of crushed penguins and I get angrier than when people talk at the movies.

We need to take out these penguin-hating blocks of ice and fast. Who's

with me?

You probably

think I am joking, that icebergs are inanimate objects that have no control

over what they sink or smoosh. You probably also think that we are safe

because we are far away from Antarctica and that there are plenty of places,

like Cuba, that are in the way. You are wrong. The majority of the over

40,000 icebergs causing disaster after disaster come from one of the most

evil places on the planet, Greenland, and are moving rapidly towards cities

and towns all over the world. They travel at an enormous speed of up to

seven kilometers a year. I'm not familiar with the metric system, but

even a child knows that that is fast.

We must be

very careful. Icebergs are a very old evil. They are made up of ice that

is over 15,000 years old and most people can tell you that old equals

evil. They can be defeated, but to thwart their evil plans they must be

melted. We must also not be deceived by appearances. Though it may look

like an iceberg has been melted and destroyed, it may just be the tip

of the iceberg that is gone. Scientists in Newfoundland say that over

7/8 of an iceberg is located below the water.

The easiest

way to get rid of icebergs is to speed up global warming. Some people

will tell you that this will cause a global flood which would cause tons

of damage and countless fatalities, but I think that is just iceberg propaganda.

Icebergs and their confused supporters just want another ice age. An age

where icebergs rule the world and glide about like they own the place.

How do we speed

up global warming? Well, I suggest spraying can after can of aerosol hairspray

towards the sky, while driving around incessantly in an SUV. I also think

leaving several hairdryers on permanently may do the trick as well.

Icebergs can

also be towed. Now, if you have a jacuzzi or hot tub and would like to

do your part in eliminating this menace and saving thousands of penguins

and people on large boats crossing the Atlantic, contact either our country's

National Security Advisor or Chief of Homeland Security, who will put

you in touch with the Anti-Iceberg Brigade.

Unless you

want all penguins to die or you want to risk the possibility of hitting

one of these monstrosities on your way to work one morning, please help.

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