The guide "Tips

on How to Survive the Day After" can be used by anyone over the age

of 18 who is married or otherwise in a committed relationship. The author

(that'll be me) assumes no responsibility if you follow this guide and

your better half gets upset, mad, or leaves you for someone else.

Luckily, the

"day after" only comes once a year; otherwise, none of our relationships

would be able to survive the incredible stress associated with it. What

day am I talking about, you might ask? Just the most humongous shopping

day of the year! That's right; it's the day after Thanksgiving, and the

world is on sale.

Your boss has

seen fit to give you the day off, and you're gonna spend it watching wall-to-wall

football. Your eyes will be glued to the wide screen TV and your butt

will be glued to the recliner ­ right?

Wrong! You're

in a relationship, remember? The day after turkey day you're gonna be

dragged out of bed early, kicking and screaming, and you'll spending the

next 12 hours shopping for Aunt Louise and Uncle Bob's Christmas presents.

"How will

I ever make through this day?" you might ask. Sounds like you need

my "Tips on How to Survive the Day After."

Tip number

one: When you arrive at the mall, make sure you shop at the shoe store

first. Whether it's an indoor mall or an outdoor mall (usually called

outlet stores), the shoe place should be your first stop. Buy a comfortable

pair of walking shoes 'cause you're gonna need them ­ 12 hours is

a lot of shopping. Buy her a pair of shoes also; you'll get big points

for being thoughtful. All points can be cashed in once you get home. If

you follow tip number one, you will start off on a good foot. (Sorry about

that one.)

Tip number

two: No matter what store you go into, if it's not an electronics or sports

store, you will be bored out of your mind. Get used to it, or it will

be a very long day. Any store she goes into you must at least step three

feet inside the doorway. Don't make my mistake and stand less than one

foot inside the door glowering at The Wife as she picks up every cutesy

thing-a-ma-jig in the store. Instead, make nice comments on the items

she picks up, like, "Oh yes, Dear, that's the cutest Pilgrim salt

and pepper shaker I've ever seen. Uncle Bob will just love it." If

you don't, during the trip home, you will pay. Special note: If, while

in any store, you pick up an item and look interested in it, you'll get

extra points.

Tip number

three: Baby strollers can work in your favor. When you arrive at the mall,

offer to push the baby stroller so she can have her hands free to grab

bargains. Most businesses will not allow you in their stores with a baby

stroller anyway, so guess what? You and it must stay outside while she

does all the shopping. You'll get extra points for being considerate about

pushing the stroller all over the mall, and you get out of going into

the stores. This is a win-win situation. Warning: This works best if you

make the offer only to your wife. If not, results may vary greatly.

Tip number

four: You'll need a list ... a very long list. No matter how distant a

relative, don't suggest leaving any family member out of the gift-giving

process. If you want to know just how extended your extended family really

is, just go shopping for Christmas presents at the mall. Even Uncle Bob's

son twice removed will get a present. Heck, I wish I was just once removed

(removed at once from shopping for our forty-some-odd closest family and

friends). You'll get extra points for having a list and checking it twice.

Tip number

five: Time is very important when you're shopping. It's very important

she doesn't see you checking the time while she's shopping and you're

standing (lurking) in the doorway of stores. If you're caught looking

at your watch, your time could be up. You'll be in big trouble, and it

could wipe out all points you've earned so far. Special note: If busted,

just say, "Honey, it's about lunch time. Why don't we eat at the

food court and afterwards I'll buy you a moco-choca-lota-thingiee at Starbucks."

This will not only get you out of a bad situation, but no woman can resist

a moco-thingiee from Starbucks. Put yourself down for major points if

you can pull this one off.

The final tip

for surviving the day after: During your shopping ordeal, while she thinks

you're just lurking in doorways, be on the lookout for that special gift

for her. After lunch, double back, buy it, and have it gift-wrapped. Once

you get home and unload the car, tell her you found an extra one, would

she like it? After she opens it and finds the card you strategically placed

inside, you'll get your present. Then you can watch wall-to-wall football

the rest of the night with one contented wife by your side. Happy shopping.

[Rick Ryckeley

is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services.

He can be reached at [email protected].]