In every magazine rack in every

checkout lane in every grocery store in America, there is a Cosmopolitan,

right now, that offers beauty tips for women. Beauty tips on a budget,

Beauty tips to get a man. Beauty tips for people who are afraid to try

beauty tips.

These types of magazines fill

the pages with incredibly perfect super models who say incredibly stupid

things like, "I can eat all the ice cream I want and not gain an

ounce," or, "I was too ugly to get a date in high school,"

or "Modeling really is a difficult job." These super model types

have become the standard for looks.

Have they become the standard

for brains, too? Who would buy into this idea that all women should be

as thin, tall, gravity-defying and cellulite-free? Women blame men for

wanting this, but why would they trust us? Aren't we the ones who start

wars, bathe only when we have to, and think we're all professional comedians

because we can make a good orifice joke?

Yet, men might be the answer

in this equation. Let's reinvent the "Beauty Tip" world from

the male point of view. Thus, I would like to offer the following: "Man

Beauty Tips for Women." Here are some practical and logical tips

that only a man could invent:

Ladies, do you get tired morning

after morning when having to put makeup on in the car, in traffic? For

all your eye-highlighting needs, just try a Sharpee brand permanent marker.

For weeks at a time, you'll look as glorious as Cleopatra, Queen of the

Nile, and you'll be able to concentrate on the essentials of driving,

like talking on the cell phone and eating your breakfast.

Women, quit wasting money and

time on expensive and tedious clippers, scissors and tweezers. There are

just two words I can say to fix all your eyebrow-grooming problems: Weed

Eater.

Ladies, do you want soft hands

AND the ability to fix squeaky hinges and stuck dresser drawers? Just

use WD-40 as a hand cream. That's right, you'll be the hit at the next

party with your supple hands and they'll especially love you for loosening

the stuck olive jar. As a bonus, the distinctive aroma will allow you

to never buy perfume again.

Are you spending all your hard-earned

cash on expensive shampoos, conditioners and treatments? You can get that

same luster and sheen at no cost by just digging through your refrigerator.

Mayonnaise, for instance, has all the emollient qualities of any Paul

Mitchell product. For cleanup, you can just finish making that bologna

sandwich your husband is barking for. And while you're in there, just

get him to pour his beer on your head.

I'm sure there are more tips

from the man's perspective, but I just got hungry for a bologna sandwich

and remembered a joke I need to tell a friend.