I have been

searching high and low for a Halloween costume. It may not be as quality

a search as Diogenes' search for an honest man, but it has felt just as

impossible and I'm not even blind.

If this were

any other year I would just say, "To heck with a costume." However,

this year Sabine and I are having a Halloween party at our new house and

our invitations specifically stated that all guests must be costumed.

The invitation also said that no lame costumes would be allowed, so there

goes the idea of wearing a t-shirt that says "This is my costume."

This used to

be so easy. When I was growing up the costume would come in a box and

would consist of a mask and a plastic apron with a picture of whoever

the mask was. Over the years I was Batman, Casper and a storm trooper

from the hit trilogy Star Wars. Surprisingly, that's all I can remember

until I bought some gruesome demon mask with flashing red eyes. The year

after that I had a Bart Simpson mask which was really big. It was hard

to breathe and so humid inside the mask that it felt like it was raining.

After Bart, I stopped dressing up for a few years.

Back then it

seemed my decision for Halloween costumes was easy but now it seems like

there is a lot more to consider before choosing a costume. Sabine is going

as a harem girl, so she suggested that I either dress in an Air Force

military outfit and be Major Nelson from "I Dream of Jeannie,"

or I could purchase a sultan costume and be a sultan. I couldn't find

a Major Nelson costume and I couldn't really get behind being a sultan.

A sheik costume would have also been acceptable but I felt like I'd really

look like Bin Laden and it would give people the wrong idea. I wouldn't

want people thinking about bioterrorism when they are trying my black

bean dip.

My search then

moved on to the information superhighway. I spent hours in front of the

computer screen browsing through countless internet Halloween costume

shops. I could dress as a pimp, but what kind of message would that send

to my guests? I could dress as a Roman but it might be a little too cool

outside for a toga. Vampire? Nah. Been there, done that.

Things were

getting serious by the time I went to a local shop known for their wide

variety of Halloween costumes. Though the party was still two weeks away

I felt like if I didn't make a decision this weekend I would be stuck

in a costume I hated, souring my attitude at our first Halloween party

and ruining the evening for our many guests. I perused the costumes over

and over again, rejecting prisoner costumes because I don't look good

in orange or stripes and vetoing Renaissance period costumes because I

don't want to wear tights, (unless I'm doing Shakespeare again, and even

then I won't be thrilled by it). I also did not want to have to wear a

mask because I want to be able to eat and drink.

Did I want

to be something scary? No. For me, Halloween isn't about scaring people

anymore, it's about dressing up in a creative costume as a character I

find amusing. Hopefully, other people will recognize the character and

find it amusing as well. This criteria started a successful brainstorming

session. I could be Mr. Kotter, but no, I threw out the jacket of my brown

polyester suit, which would have been perfect. I could be President Bush,

but no, all that would mean was me graying my hair and wearing a suit

and I felt that that would have been a cop out.

And then it

hit me. For Halloween this year I will be Homer Simpson. I find him amusing,

my friends would recognize who I was trying to be and they find him amusing

and most importantly, the costume should be cheap and easy to move around

in. I won't be wearing a mask either, just a bald cap with some black

yarn and clothes that are too big stuffed with pillows. Not to mention

the fact that I have been working on my impression of Homer for years

now and it is getting very close.

I hope that

everyone else's Halloween costume search has been less grueling. I suppose

if the Homer thing falls through for me I could always go as Diogenes.

I'll just need to wear a couple of sheets and borrow somebody's lantern.

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