In these times it is not enough

to live, but to live well. I have tried the self-help books, I have tried

the hair care products that the ads say will give one life fulfillment.

No luck. Calgon was not even effective enough to "take me away."

So after all the failures, I did the most reasonable thing and went to

the movies. Simply put, I let Hollywood show me how to live.

Spiderman and the Key to

Success. Xanax not calming you down from job anxiety? Prozac not lifting

you up from the work doldrums. The movie "Spiderman" has the

answer, and it's a simple thing called radioactive mutation. Simply put,

find the insect that you most likely want to emulate, inflict him with

a high dose of radiation and then get him to infect you. You can wake

up the next morning, literally changed.

Want to be a great athlete?

With just a little rigging of your home microwave, a couple of zaps to

a grasshopper and you can be playing basketball like Michael Jordan. Want

to sing at the Metropolitan Opera? Just a few gamma blasts to your average

singing cricket and you can hold notes for 90 seconds at time. Beware

though, the world might not be ready for a mezzo-soprano who performs

"La Bohéme" by rubbing her legs together.

Austin Powers Teaches You

How to Raise Children. In the third installment of the "Austin

Powers" series, Dr. Evil finally gets it right with his son. They

find friendship and mutual respect when the chrome-domed one shares with

his son his legacy: crime and a penchant for gray Nehru jackets.

People today think they have

to work 70 hours a week, build a mansion and have a Mustang in the garage

opened up to his child and shared himself. Tender moments in the film

included showing his son how to do a "comb over" and creating

a weapon of mass destruction. And for those inheriting step-children through

marriage, just learn from Dr. Evil's relationship with Mini-Me. This was

as touching a relationship as I have ever seen between a donor and his

analogous-tissue clone.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

and How to Catch a Man. Originally titled "My Big Fat Greek Thighs,"

this movie is a testament to love overcoming all obstacles, even ... well,

even big fat Greek thighs. But mostly it teaches us all how to accept

our families for who they are big fat doofi (I choose the traditional

British pluralization of doofus).

If you can suspend disbelief

long enough in the movie to believe that the hunky guy would really be

interested in the Greek geek girl without being a closet homosexual, then

you will equally be touched by the Greek rap duo's (Gangsta Zeus' Posse)

version of "Here Be the Bride." Actually, the movie was terrific

and the Greek bride was adorable. The hunk got the better end of the deal.

And to finish, here are just

a few more movies and the things I learned. "Road to Perdition":

Keep your wife's insurance premiums paid up. "The Bourne Identity":

Amnesia takes the thrill out of being a hit man. "Star Wars":

Nothing ruins nostalgia like nostalgia.

[Readers may contact Billy

Murphy via e-mail: [email protected].]