Americans can be divided into

two classes of people: Those who use coupons (couponites) and those who

don't. If there is one, true signifier of the civilized world outside

the invention of Triple-Action Tide, it is the use of coupons.

Of course the use of coupons

is a privilege, not just a right. Thus, those who don't coupon don't really

have a complaint about the prices at Kroger, do they? Our forefathers

risked life and limb when they sat down and hand inked those first "cut

here" dotted lines.

Just tell me something, though:

Are they pronounced koo-pons, or cue-pons? I just wanna know. Either way,

if you have one you can get your potatoes cheaper, or is that po-tah-toes?

Actually, Webster's Dictionary says either pronunciation is correct and

being bi-nuncial myself, I use both.

I wouldn't even have an opinion

on coupons, but no one is safe from them. They fall out of every magazine,

they litter our mailboxes and they make your Sunday newspaper weigh roughly

the same as a good-sized Butterball turkey. We are drowning in a sea of

coupons. You can buy a futon with a coupon. Or, get some Gray Poupon with

a coupon. You can even put some soup on with a coupon.

Some people are so into coupons,

they actually have the coupon wallet. They spend Sunday afternoons leafing

through the newspaper inserts, clipping and cutting and saving. Then,

with the precision of a rain forest botanist, they categorize and sub-categorize

the snippets into tabbed compartments labeled with such titles as, "Food,"

"Beverages," and "Feminine Hygiene Products."

As I walk down the grocery

aisles in my weekly runs for YooHoos and pork rinds, I see these couponites

studying the shelves and racks for just the right items. Of course, these

are the same people who will make 10 people wait in the grocery store

checkout line while spending 15 minutes digging for a penny in the bottom

of their purse just so they can have exact change, but more power to 'em.

Most people don't know it,

but the term "coupon" comes from a French verb that means: "To

drive 25 extra miles to save 35 cents on a product you don't even need."

Well maybe; my translation is not that good, given I took one year of

high school French in 1974.

If you really want to get the

couponite in a frenzy, just mention "double" coupons. This is

where the merchant gives double the value of the coupon to attract the

customer. How do they do it? Just how do these stores stay in business

doubling her "15 cents off" coupon. It might have something

to do with that same customer buying (at full price) a People magazine,

some Covergirl lip gloss, a box of Kleenex, three Kit Kat bars, a Chapstick

and some gum.

Yet, given that every corner

in America today has an Eckerd, a CVS or a Walgreens, those coupons can

come in pretty handy. Personally, I long for the old days when corners

were the havens for street people holding signs that say, "Will work

for food." Maybe all the street people got jobs at the drug stores

and trickle-down economics did work!

Nevertheless, coupons are a

very good thing. And to prove it, I'm still using an "Entertainment

Book" I bought from a cheerleader in 1999.