As the last days of summer

wind their way towards the Anna Nicole Smith of summer Labor Day I want

to spam some of the highlights.

Bruce Springsteen is the hit

of the music world again; just like he was in 1984. His albums have been

moving faster than Ozbourne family curse words. Has it really been 18

years since Bruce hit it with " Born in the USA " ?

The last time Bruce was big, Britney was just starting nursery school...

and getting her first piercing.

Obviously, the middle-class

working man and woman do still buy albums, or, uh... CDs. At least Bruce

doesn ' t need to worry about his fan base downloading his music

online or anything. The average 6-year-old has better computer skills

than the typical Boss fan. When Bruce was first popular, the computer

of choice was the Commodore 64.

While on the subject of music,

the 25th anniversary of Elvis ' death is worth mentioning. I ' m

not sure, but why do I have this feeling that Kentucky Fried Chicken is

going to be offering a special value meal in remembrance? In the South,

you can still basically divide people into two groups, those who believe

Elvis is dead and those who don ' t.

Waffle Houses all over the

South are full of people hosting the never-ending conspiracy theory party

surrounding Elvis ' death, or, uh... disappearance. And I find it

rather ironic that everyone is at Waffle House debating Elvis sightings,

sightings which always seem to take place at Denny ' s.

In other spams, it looks like

Martha Stewart might be in a little trouble. Poor Martha. You mean someone

who has made billions of dollars selling women on pine cone wreaths and

jewel-encrusted toilet brush holders can ' t be trusted? I ' m

sure even in prison she would do well with the arts and crafts thing.

" Today we will cover 101 Ideas for Soap, " or " A

stained glass 'shiv ' your cell mates will envy and love. "

And why do I get the feeling,

if Martha went to jail, she would still be the most terrified person in

the place? Even hardened lesbian, death row murderers would be like, " Here,

Martha, take my cigarettes. " The warden would be dropping

in and asking, " Are the accommodations OK? Do you like the

linen doilies on your stainless steel toilet? " And just how

does one accent a stainless steel latrine? Steel wool toilet paper? Good

luck, Martha.

The West Nile virus (WNV) seems

to be on everyone ' s mind lately. It ' s bad enough I ' m

getting brain tumors from my cell phone and lung disease from carpet fibers,

but now a mosquito bite can kill me? I have contacted NASA about purchasing

a space suit so I can enjoy everyday life with confidence and fervor.

I hear in the fly world that they have a new cliché when flies

die en masse: " They were dropping like people. "

Maybe the problem is not the

mosquito but just that we as a people are getting weaker? I mean, I know

people who need an antibiotic if they hear about a frog in New Guinea

that got a fever from a new germ found in the sap of a 300-year-old Cyprus

tree.

We have become so conflicted

as a people that we will apply SPF 145 sunscreen on the arm that sticks

out the window in the sun to pick up our supersized value meal at McDonald's.

Somewhere there ' s a vegetarian washing down her Prozac with a chocolate

shake on the way to her AA meeting.

But, hey. That ' s life,

or at least something like it.