It's time for kids to go to

school and that is both good and bad; good for parents, bad for the kids.

So to honor these good and bad days, I offer everything you need to know

about school, the good and bad (and sometimes the ugly).

On school transportation:

The Bad: Your child

tells you the bus route is so crowded, he gets to ride on the "outside"

of the bus.

The Good: He never arrives

at school with wet hair anymore.

On school administration:

The Good: Your child's

school finally got rid of that principal you didn't like.

The Bad: The new principal

shows up with a pet monkey, wearing a "Limp Biskit" T-shirt

and announces he has devised a way to boost the school budget by investing

in the stock market.

On school conditions:

The Bad: They announce

they have discovered asbestos has been used in your school's insulation.

The Good: That bad case

of dandruff you had last year wasn't dandruff after all.

On shop class:

The Good: The new shop

teacher isn't missing any fingers.

The Bad: The new shop

teacher has a prosthetic hand.

On book banning:

The Good: Kids are reading

again.

The Bad: "Harry

Potter" books are banned from reading lists.

The Ugly: "Harry

Potter" replaced with some second-rate Dr. Seuss books like, "Horton

Hears a Gunshot," "Cat in the McDonald's Drive-thru Window,"

and " Green Eggs and Spam."

On school testing:

The Good: They have

lowered statewide testing levels.

The Bad: All math answers

can "just be close," all geography answers just need to be on

the correct continent and all spelling tests will have words no longer

than three letters.

On school fashion:

The Good: Schools are

leaning towards more uniform standards.

The Bad: New modern

uniforms will include pockets for cigarettes and be revealing enough to

expose body piercings and tattoos.

The Ugly: The above-mentioned

are the middle school uniforms.

On school food:

The Good: New law passed

that all cafeteria meals must taste like food.

The Bad and the Ugly:

To save money, food service colanders have been replaced by cafeteria

workers' hair-nets.

Have a great school year!