The Wife told

me the other day she was leaving me. As I caught my breath, she said,

"Don't be a silly boy, I'll only be gone for six days. I'm going

to see my mom and dad in West Virginia." The next morning after a

hug and kiss, she left me and The Boy to fend for ourselves.

To save you

husbands and future husbands a lot of grief, I have come up with a short

list of tips of things to do and not to do when the wife's away.

Husband Tip

#1: Doing laundry is more complicated than it seems. Laundry thrown on

the floor will stay on the floor until you pick it up. The gentle and

permanent press cycles on the washer are there for a reason they're not

just optional equipment.

All colors

in one load will not work. You must separate fuzzy towels from everything

else, or you will get fuzzy on the everything else. Don't ask the friendly

waitress at your favorite BBQ restaurant if she would mind doing your

laundry while the wife is gone.

Husband Tip

#2: Washing dishes is difficult and best left to the experts. If you don't

wash the dishes in the sink before you put them in the dishwasher,

they will not come out clean. Dishes really don't put themselves up.

No matter who

tells you, those extra thick paper plates can't survive in the dish washer.

If you run out of automatic dishwashing liquid, liquid hand soap or laundry

detergent will not work. If you want to clean the kitchen floor, use liquid

hand soap or laundry soap in the dishwasher. They don't do a good job

cleaning dishes, but they sure do make lots of soap suds that clean the

floor really well.

Husband Tip

#3: Noxious fumes in the bathroom can indeed be poisonous. Mixing all

the cleaning supplies together will not only clean the soap scum off the

tub, but will also clean the skin right off your arm. The noxious fumes

you create this time you really don't want to inhale.

Husband Tip

#4: Finding items in the refrigerator can be tricky. If after opening

the door and looking for five minutes you can't find what you need, you

will have to resort to moving the items in the front out of the way. If

you still can't find the item, repeat this process until you reach the

back of the refrigerator.

If item is

not there, then repeat the process for each shelf until you reach the

bottom. If item still can't be found, try checking in the freezer. Adult

beverages will not be found in the freezer. Special note: If at any point

anything inside the refrigerator blinks at you, quickly close the door

and carefully walk away. The last resort to finding the item would be

a trip to the grocery store.

Husband Tip

#5: If you make a list before you go to the grocery store, don't forget

the list - or you'll have to go back and get it. The four major food groups

aren't ice cream, cookies, chips, and dip. There is an area in most grocery

stores you might not be familiar with called "The Fruit and Vegetable

Section." Ask any grocery clerk and they'll be happy to show you

where it is. Eggs are indeed fragile. Yes, you can put all of your eggs

in one basket just be careful not to put anything else on top of them.

Husband Tip

#6: In six days you can burn three batches of biscuits. Chicken will turn

into rubber if cooked on high in the microwave for an hour. Metal still

can't go into a microwave. Don't cook the whole box of rice for just two

people. Peanut butter and jelly is not good for dinner two nights in a

row. Watermelon can't be cooked on the grill. McDonald's is open for breakfast,

lunch, and dinner.

Husband Tip

#7: If it were easy and fun, it would not be called housework. Clean the

house the night before the wife comes back. Make sure all laundry is done

and the trash is taken out.

Cook dinner

and have it ready for her when she walks in. Treat her like a queen and

maybe she'll never leave again. After she is recovered from her trip,

if you're really nice, she'll get rid of that thing that blinked at you

in the refrigerator.

[Rick Ryckeley

is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services.

He can be reached at [email protected].]