Wow, everything and anything

is being built in our county these days. New businesses are cropping up

faster than Braves' losses. So to follow my personal mantra, "Anything

worth doing is worth overdoing," I suggest a theme park: a traffic-enticing,

acreage-engulfing farm of fun.

Heck, I think that's the only

thing left not planned (except a movie theater in Peachtree City but why

would we build something we actually need?).

So, what will our Fayette County

theme park be about? The first thing to consider is the name, something

catchy and yet identifiable. Six Flags uses the theme of different lands

and so does Disney World. Disney World also has the advantage of using

the familiar name of the guru of fantasy himself: Walt. Maybe ours should

be called "SoccerMomLand" or "SUV's over Fayette."

We could look within ourselves

today and use our attitudes and mores to help moniker our theme park.

It could be called, "The Really Big and Costly Theme Park That is

Too Expensive to Let the Kids Play In, Park."

Product placements would figure

heavily in any theme park. The Pepto-Bismol-sponsored spinning barrels

ride would be called "Twirl and Hurl." Advil would definitely

want to sponsor an upside-down swinging boat called the "Pirates

of the Common Migraine." Boring Crystal Pistol-type shows could be

sponsored by Vivarin or any number of coffee makers. The fastest ride

in the park might be through a collapsing tunnel at a Mexican drinking

well called the "Kave-o-Pecate."

Tie-ins with the movies and

television would have to be a consideration, too. Universal Studios among

others is a very popular amusement park. "Cruise Ship" would

be a pendulum-style swinging ride that leads its riders on a "Is

he?" "Isn't he?" quest. The lifelike "Survivor"

ride plops people down on a simulated beach to bicker their way through

a maze of nausea-inducing trials.

Other ideas would be a haunted-house-style

daytime television theme, "Rosie Comes Out of the Closet." You

aren't really frightened but you are irritated beyond belief. With Ellen

Degeneres coming to the talk show circuit you could start a whole Lesbian

Land.

We would want to give our theme

park some local flavor, so a roller coaster featuring our Board of Education

could be called "The Great American Scream Machine." Oh, that's

been taken? OK, we could call it "The Mind Numb-er." Of course,

with school in mind you could relax by then jumping on The Ferris Bueller

Wheel.

Any of our City Council meetings

could be represented in a whirling, twirling, "Endless Circle of

Squabbles."

Eating is big part of going

to a theme park so there would be a vampire-themed restaurant called "Bleed

You Dry." If you just wanted a snack you could stop at the "Dennis

Rodman Hot Dog Stand" or "Richard Simmons Cream Puffs."

On your way out, don't forget

to stop at the literal-minded "Worthless Junk You'll Throw Out in

a Week" Gift Shop.