At one minute past midnight

tonight, the day this article appears, I will be one of the first people

to see Star Wars Episode II. With my pre-purchased ticket in hand, I will

count myself among the geeks of the world, waiting the hour in line, discussing

Sand People, Battle Droids and the Millennium Falcon. I'm sure the combined

IQ of this first audience could equal that of my home state of South Carolina,

present company excluded of course. Yet, I'm sure the entire group has

probably not had a date in this century.

This Star Wars, though, has

been touted as the most romantic of all. Talk about missing your demographic.

I can see the romantic scenes in this movie making the predominantly male

crowd about as nervous as Richard Simmons at a Monster Truck Rally.

Speaking of romance at the

movies, the trailer for "Unfaithful" has me dying laughing.

The Euro-trash, So-Ho stud in this film issues this line: "Your eyes

are beautiful, you should never close them, even when you are sleeping."

What woman would fall for this patter? In the actual movie, does this

guy continue the flattery with (use your own, lame French accent here),

"Even if you were looking into the midday sun, don't close your eyes."

Or, "You should never close your eyes, even if you are swimming ...

and the pool water is full of chlorine."

Or maybe he could win a woman's

heart with, "Never close your eyes, even if there is a solar eclipse

and you don't have one of those contraptions made with a mirror and a

shoe box ... don't shut them, your corneal damage will be worth it."

I guess with a French accent

everything sounds exotic. I mean, figure it out. Gerard Depardieu is France's

version of John Goodman and women still swoon over him. I guess I am just

unromantic.

The report card is in and kids

today don't know squat about history. So, what's new? I love seeing these

reports that make the older generation feel as though they (we?) were

the smartest ever in the heritage of our country. This is the academic

equivalent of "In my day" thinking. I guess as we all get older

we will take what we can get, to make ourselves feel superior.

Face it, kids today know more

about everything, faster and earlier than we ever knew. Sure, we might

have known the difference between the Preamble and the Gettysburg Address

but the typical 9-year-old can research the Internet faster than we can

find the on/off button on the printer. The older generation just needs

to shut up and continue living in their dream world that we are smarter

and that the Rolling Stones are still some really hip dudes.

The signs of the apocalypse

officially arrived this past week and I'm not talking about the further

unrest in the Middle East. I'm talking about Dan Quayle's proffer that

Ozzie Osbourne is a good role model for fathers and family. When you really

study it though, Dan Quayle and Ozzie Osbourne are exactly alike. Both

continually utter totally undecipherable and unintelligible statements

and both have never worked a real day in their lives. Also, Quayle is

a dodo known for not having a head on his shoulders and Osbourne has bit

the head off of a bird.

I'm not denying the popularity

of the Osbourne Family show but we like it for the same reason we slow

down, driving by a car crash all in all, our own crummy minivan doesn't

seem so bad when we pass by a crushed BMW and three white ambulances.

May the force be we with you.