I hope this

is not cheating, but, once again, I was asked to be a last-minute fill-in

for John, whose column may be found elsewhere in the paper. Since I am

certainly no authority on religion (many are probably clutching their

sides and laughing uncontrollably at that remark) I would find it most

difficult to even attempt to give you spiritual insights or moral advice.

Miss Cleo I ain't.

But a cohort

here at the paper found the following on the Internet and suggested I

use it to fill the vacant space this week. (Thank you, Monroe, for saving

my hide.) The author is unknown.

Some of you

may have received it in one of those annoying "Fwd:" e-mails

that fill your mailbox each day. If you haven't, you'll no doubt get a

chuckle out of it.

Having "served

my time" in my younger days as a reporter covering city and county

government events, and chuckling a time or two myself over endless "red

tape," I fully understand Noah's dilemma. I hope you enjoy this:

It is the year

2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and

says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole

earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous

people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore,

I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash

of lightning God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and

trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember,"

said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard

in one year."

Exactly one

year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of

the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard

weeping.

"Noah!"

he shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord,

please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were

big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans

did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw

the plans.

"Then,

I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire

sprinkler system and floatation devices.

"Then,

my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building

the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning

commission.

"I had

problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting

trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U. S. Forest

Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

"However,

the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls, so ... no owls.

"The carpenters

formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement

with the National Labor Union. I now have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but

still no owls.

"When

I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights

group. They objected to my only taking two of every kind aboard.

"Just

when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete

the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed

flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction

over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

"Then

the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan.

I sent them a globe.

"Right

now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment

Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking

godless, unbelieving people aboard!

"The IRS

has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation

to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the

state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the

Ark as a 'recreational watercraft.'

"Finally,

the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction

of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious

event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish

the Ark for another five or six years," wailed Noah.

The sky began

to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas became calm. A rainbow arched

across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean

you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No,"

said the Lord, sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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