"Are we there yet?"

"Mom, Debbie's kicking

me!"

"Dad, Billy's head is

stuck under the seat again!"

How many times have we heard

these statements while traveling? As spring vacation approaches, I want

to honor the most dreaded of family institutions the car trip.

We all love our children, but

is there a more taxing situation among us than riding long distances in

the car together? While heading to Disneyworld or the grandparents, have

you ever wanted one of those Plexiglass dividers like the taxis have between

you and your kids in the back? No matter how fussy they got, all nice

and quiet up in the front.

When I was growing up, making

all the noise, my dad had that rubber elbow thing going, where, if you

were acting up, he could swing his arm back and reach you, no matter where

you were in the backseat. He could drive blindly in a Chicago snowstorm,

skidding on ice and still reach back, find my leg and give me a pinch

that could make me recite the Gettysburg Address in Japanese. Hoo-chi-mamma.

It makes me wonder how bad

it must have been during the days of traveling in wagon trains. Ma and

Pa riding up front, swaying side to side, lurching up and down over bumps

and any settlers that died from rattlesnake bites. The 14 kids would be

in the back fighting over beef jerky and who was missing the most teeth.

When dad got tired of all the

bickering in the back, he would just put down his musket, pull out his

horse whip and crack it across the whole bunch.

Could you imagine traveling

only 25 miles a day for six months? None of us have ever left for a trip

in the winter and not gotten there until the fall. And just think how

mad dad would be at mom when they had already made it from North Carolina

to Kentucky before she said they had to turn back because she thought

she left the iron turned on.

It had to be hard, too, when

dad wouldn't stop for directions and wound up in Canada when he was shooting

for California.

Though not quite as bad, I

lived through the family car trips without air conditioning. Seven us

in a small Rambler American that quickly started to smell like stale vegetable

soup. One kid would always travel in the front between my parents while

the other four in the back would try to play "Travel Twister."

Like everything else these

days, we have it all the more convenient, yet we probably gripe the most.

It's pretty rare that we would leave on a trip and before we got there,

we had lost a few kids to the black plague or scarlet fever.

So as you travel this spring

break, or anytime actually, plan ahead for this time-honored tradition.

Bring the travel Yahtzee, load up the snacks, love your kids and if things

still get bad, look out your windows and just feel a kinship with all

the other families stuck together, traveling too.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at https://ebilly.net.]