Controversy, disappointment,

the silly outfits, this issue of Spamming the Globe salutes all the awards

won and yet to be won.

The Olympics were about as

up and down as a hyperactive kid on a trampoline. There were some great

events in Salt Lake City, only to be mired in debate and debacle. It seemed

like a night wouldn't pass when there wasn't a disqualification, a protest

or both. I haven't seen this much dispute, contention, and icy rejection

since I was on the dating scene. This contention-o-rama can be added to

the growing list of side-effects from too much political correctness.

We are so over-concerned with

100-percent-perfect equity that we have created a whole new subculture

of instant replayers, finish-line inspectors and close-call questioners.

We seem to work ultra-hard to find this perfection in things not meant

to be perfect. The very nature of sport incorporates the potential for

the wrong call, the missed strike, the failure of humanity, not to mention

the agony of defeat. That's what makes sports such a great analogy of

life.

Yet, today, in seeking to make

everyone a winner, we focus on compensation for a wrong incurred, a flaw,

a mistake, intentional or not. It's called the "lawyerly" life

I guess. Got a problem? Sue. Didn't win? File a protest.

If I could have changed anything

about the Olympics though, I would have let Michelle Kwan win. I just

felt so bad for her. It was pretty hopeless after Sarah Hughes skated.

It was definitely a "too late" moment. After Hughes' program,

I'm sure the rest of the girls were just hoping she would fail her drug

test, because there was no beating her in form or style. Michelle, you

should have called Tonya Harding; maybe she could have given some advice

on alternative measures.

The next prize show to spam

is the Grammys Awards. I have never really had an opinion on them. It

seems a bit ridiculous to have a three-hour televised ceremony just to

honor the best grandmothers. What would the categories be anyway? "Best

Denture Wearer" or "Grandmother Who Smells the Most Like Soup"?

Lastly, I spam the Academy

Awards. There are no winners or losers at the Oscars. They just have "The

Award Goes to ..." If there is a theme to this year's Oscar ceremony,

it would have to be "celebrating the disadvantaged." I am not

sure if being a good actor or having a good story matters any longer.

It is all about representing some demographic affliction more inverted

political correctness.

Russell Crowe plays a schizophrenic.

He's up for Best Actor. Sean Penn is too. He plays a mentally handicapped

man. Dame Judy Dench is up for Best Actress and she plays a woman spiraling

into Alzheimer's and dementia. Also, Nicole Kidman sings, dances and courtesans

her way through a terminal illness to the tune of a Best Actress nomination.

Consider that Will Smith is

nominated for Ali who suffers from Parkinson's Disease and Renee Zellweger

put on 40 pounds to play a chubby Bridget Jones and you have a pretty

full plate of dilemma-nites.

The best performance of the

year belongs to Gene Hackman in "The Royal Tenenbaums," but

he was knocked out of the running because his character was allowed to

smile. I think I am going to file a protest.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at www.ebilly.net.]