There are a

number of awards shows in this day and age.

The Grammys

reward excellence in music, the Emmys reward good work in TV, and the

Oscars go to the best films of the year. There are also awards for models,

intriguing people, best and worst dressed celebrities, barbershop quartets,

commercials, athletes, theater and just about anything else you can think

of.

That's where

my idea kicks in. An award show for everything that gets overlooked and

deserves recognition. I call them The Mikeys. Though, seriously, if you

ever meet me, don't call me Mikey and don't say "Mikey likes it."

I don't.

The Mikeys,

which wll be presented next weekend, are a way to give a thumbs up, a

pat on the shoulder and a group hug all at the same time. Whether we are

celebrating things that have been taken for granted for far too long or

honoring something that just slips through the cracks of all the other

award shows, The Mikeys is for everybody.

For example,

one category is Best Number to Dial in an Emergency and the winner is

obviously, 9-1-1. William Shatner will receive the honor and present it

to the dedicated men and women who staff this most helpful number.

Other categories

are Best Food Product to Come From a Pig and the winner is bacon, Best

Food Product to Come From a Cow is a tie between hamburgers and milk and

Best Food Product to Not Come From an Animal is Chips Ahoy cookies. Did

I forget to mention that Nabisco is one of the Mikey's major sponsors?

We will also

present awards to wood, for being Most Useful Substance; elephants for

Most Interesting Animals; red for Nicest Color; denim for Most Popular

Fabric and pianos for Most Important Instrument.

Now, it won't

just be people in front of telelprompters presenting awards to inanimate

objects all night long. Far from it. There will be more entertainment

than you can shake a stick at. Recording artists Brandy and Pink will

do a musical salute to board games, a fourth grade class from Detroit,

Mich., will count to a million in three languages, Nathan Lane and Carol

Channing will sing a song about napkins and Steve the Crocodile Hunter

will wrestle 40 crocodiles while a man bites off 165 bottlecaps in three

minutes.

There will

also be a lifetime achievement award presented to God and we hope that

he or his Son will be present to accept the award. The organizers sat

around and discussed who should win the Mikey's first Lifetime Achievement

Award and couldn't think of a more qualified candidate. Not only did he

kick-start the universe into motion and lord over humanity since the dawn

of time, but he still is as much of an influence today as he was in the

beginning.

The question

is who will present the award to God. We are trying to get the Pope, but

we hear he will be at the premiere of Britney Spears' new film "Crossroads."

Here's hoping

that The Mikeys will be a success, growing in popularity and stature through

the years, though that formula didn't necesarily work for their namesake.

The Mikeys will be presented in the King Ronald Room at Medieval McDonald's

in Bedford, Ariz. Call Ticketmaster for your tickets now.

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