February is

the first sweeps period of the year.

Television

networks show new episodes of popular programs with special guests or

plot twists, arrange special programming created to attract the highest

number of viewers and generally go all-out to make sure that they are

the number one network for that time period.

Here is a little

known fact. Other industries have sweeps periods as well, including newspapers.

You may be asking yourself, well, what is The Citizen going to do to increase

readership during sweeps. The answer: A lot.

First of all,

in place of my column in February will be columns in which I have channeled

the spirits of Vaudevillian comedians W.C. Fields and Fatty Arbuckle.

I have already begun practicing with my Ouija board. W.C. says hello and

that he is in heaven, but unfortunately he lost his corkscrew and has

surived on nothing but food and water since his demise.

People don't

just read The Citizen for the weekend section, much to my disbelief. They

read the paper for hard-hitting news. That is just what they'll get when

we send reporter John Munford to Afghanistan on a search for Osama Bin

Laden, Chandra Levy and O.J. Simpson's missing girlfriend. Munford has

already begun digging and believes all three of them are in the elaborate

cave system of Tora Bora.

Another popular

feature of the paper is Dave Hamrick's thought-provoking opinion column

on the editorial page. To spice it up during February sweeps, Dave will

be living as a democrat in my tiny Fayetteville townhouse while I live

as a Republican in his fat cat house in Jonesboro. Dave will subsist on

a diet of Ramen noodles, free cheese and juice boxes, while I swim nightly

in his heated pool.

But that's

not all. The Citizen will be in the public eye throughout the month of

February. Reporter John Thomspon will judge the county barbershop quartet

finals and then will face off with restaurant critic F.C. Foodie in a

pizza eating contest, which will benefit The Southside Pinochleheads.

Monroe Roark will jump 18 motorcycles with a ten-speed bicycle in the

parking lot adjacent to Krystal.

Religion editor

Judy Kilgore will go undercover in Fayetteville's new Muslim center to

find out what all the hub bub is about and Publisher Cal Beverly will

be a Peachtree City police officer for a day.

Word has it

he will be on the cart paths during the day writing tickets to all of

the speeding GEM vehicles and at night he will position himself outside

of Martini's, so watch out.

Remember, The

Citizen is here for you and we want February to be our most exciting month

ever. Pick up a copy every week and stay in touch with your community.

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