For the fifth year in a row

I make my predictions for the coming year.

Jan. 15: Tom Greene and Drew

Barrymore officially try to end their marriage only to discover their

divorce papers were stolen by Winona Ryder during their New Year's Eve

Party.

Feb. 3: Bill Clinton and Monica

Lewinski make gossip headlines again by accidentally showing up at the

same grand opening for a new "All You Can Eat Sizzlin' Steakhouse."

Feb. 23: Trying to regain media

attention, Gary Condit insinuates that he is responsible for the disappearance

of Osama Bin Laden.

March 10: Aging Senator Strom

Thurmond raises eyebrows concerning his fitness to serve by accidentally

appearing in session with his Depends on, outside of his pants.

March 29: Hit by a truck, crossing

35th Avenue in Manhattan, Miss Cleo tells ambulance drivers, "She

never saw it coming."

April 1: Jim Carey's latest

try at drama, "The Majestic" is released on DVD and not a single

person is fooled into buying a copy.

April 17: Still trying to regain

media attention, Gary Condit claims he is responsible for Jimmy Hoffa's

disappearance.

May 5: In anticipation of Mother's

Day, twice-maternal Madonna offers to appear nude... anywhere... anytime...

May 27: Married barely six

months, J.K. Rowling's husband files for a separation due to what he calls,

"Her constant quidditching during Dimpledore resulting in him losing

the ability to muggle."

June 15: Much-traveled John

Rocker quits baseball to follow his lifelong ambition of becoming a social

worker.

July 1: MTV News closes down

for 24 hours because for one day, not a single Rap singer is arrested.

July 20: Dick Cheney causes

a stir by rescheduling his weekly heart attack to attend the Wednesday

afternoon funeral of a foreign dignitary.

Aug. 16: The Rolling Stones

give a rousing performance at their induction into the "Rock'n Roll

Hall of Fame" in Cleveland without anyone noticing; they were already

inducted eight years ago.

Oct. 2: Cloning experts deny

responsibility for the startling similarities between Harry Potter and

"The Weakest Link's" Ann Robinson.

Nov. 17: Wedding Britney Spears,

Justin Timberlake joins Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise in the "I'm

not gay... see, I got married" club.

Dec. 5: In an attempt to boost

seasonal sales, marketers add another holiday to the growing list of Kwanzaa,

Hanukkah and Christmas, called "Obesia" sponsored by the National

Dairy Association, American Council for Pork and the Chocolateers Foundation.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at www.ebilly.net.]