In the spirit of the infamous

Christmas card insert, here is the past year's "goings-on" of

the Murphy clan; Billy, Julie, Olivia (6) and Davis (3).

January started the year off

with our ritualistic burning of the past year's Christmas tree. Problems

ensued when we inadvertently forgot that this was the first year we used

an artificial tree. After two gallons of gas, five Duraflame logs and

a bourbon fruitcake, we finally got the aluminum tree to ignite. I was

quickly arrested by Peachtree City Police for failing to acquire the proper

burn permit.

We got our coldest weather

of the year in February and we had to actually dress the kids in long

sleeves. Olivia started riding the bus and quickly asked for a cell phone

and a pager. She quickly earned the nickname "Shakespeare" for

entertaining her busmates with a modernist rendition called, "Macbeth

Poisons the Muppets."

March came in like a lion with

the air warming to a balmy 88 degrees. Our family spent an afternoon at

the park burying old Halloween novelties in the sand. Davis especially

got a kick out of watching the surprise of other kids as they would dig

up fake eyeballs and rubber, severed fingers.

April Fool's day was fun as

we called AT&T Long Distance, over and over, posing as all our friends,

asking for a call back about switching services. So, if you ever get a

call to switch carriers, I gave them your name.

School was a joy in May as

Olivia was finishing her kindergarten year. Kindergarten is German for

"mammal that smells like crayon." Olivia had a great year exploring

letters, numbers and how to swindle a kid out of his peanut butter sandwich

with two saltines and a grape.

June began a fun summer for

us, until the electric bill came. The new rate hikes gave us our own Murphy

roaming blackouts. To conserve, we trimmed our daily television habits.

We limited ourselves to only two TVs on at once and set timers so they

turned off after 18 hours.

July, we got a great deal on

a new TV.

August was hotter than Georgia

tar paper in the back of a black El Camino. Our air conditioner was working

harder than Winona Ryder at the mall. Our electric bill was so high we

had to sell off Julie's Neil Diamond record collection. If it had gotten

worse, the Barry Manilow set was next.

September. This month needs

no comment.

In October Davis really started

getting into preschool. He seems to have perfected the "Time-Out."

He is young, but I think he might have set the goal of starting his very

own "Power Rangers Time Force Rescue Ranger Preschool for Boys and

Maybe Some Cool Girls Who Can Kick."

November was my birthday month

and also the release of "Harry Potter." No coincidence either.

We both wear glasses. He has a scar on his forehead. I have a scar on

my neck. He has millions of adoring and devoted fans lining up to see

him, and I have a scar on my neck.

Davis and Olivia submitted

their Christmas lists this month. Davis faxed his in with a confirmation

printout. Olivia e-mailed hers from multiple POP3 accounts with SSL authentication.

I am not implying our family is becoming too technological but

because of the microwaves from Davis' palm pilot combined with the radiation

from Olivia's Skytel pager, we now have a gold fish with three eyes.

Merry Christmas.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at www.ebilly.net.]