Over the years, the gray line

dividing males and females has grown fainter and fainter. These days,

women drive the big 4-wheel-drive SUVs and yell curses at the soccer game,

while men are sitting in on teacher conferences and carrying Kroger Plus

Cards on their key rings.

There remains one barrier yet

that keeps us man and woman: crying. It is OK for women to cry, but not

for men (well, the men that aren't portrayed in sitcoms). We all know

men cry, just very few will admit it. The male resistance to crying is

still as intrinsic as not asking for directions or looking straight ahead

in a public restroom.

I only mention this subject,

because the greatest "man-cry" movie ever will return this coming

Sunday night. It is "Brian's Song."

The original "Brian's

Song" came to television in 1971 and starred a pre-Godfather James

Caan and early-hunky Billy Dee Williams. I wept like a baby. The hard

part about watching the greatest made-for-TV movie of all time is that

in 1971, there were only three channels and one television per home.

Thus, you had to watch the

tear-jerking, football-themed movie in the full presence of your family.

No one in my family dared look at each other during the final, "I

love Brian Piccolo" speech. It was suddenly cold and flu season in

the Murphy household.

Is there any real value, though,

in anything that can make a man sob like Richard Simmons on a field trip?

Do you know some stone-faced alpha male that you would like to subvert

and subdue emotionally? Here is a list of my dirtiest half-dozen ways

to get any man to blubber:

1. Record the Home Shopping

Network over his "Victoria Secrets Fashion Show" video.

2. Devise a mock phone call

and end it by saying, "Yes, definitely, we are very interested in

free dance lessons!"

3. Soak his favorite, worn,

t-shirt in onion juice.

4. Tell him you read that ESPN

is going bankrupt.

5. Write a fake note he will

find that says, "Dear Mother, I understand your hard times, and yes,

you can move in with us."

6. Next time he brags how he

is still wearing the same size jeans as in high school, tell him he has

to get his belly into the pants with no "overhang."

The last time in history that

male-crying was acceptable was during the age of the eunuch. It was acceptable

for these gelded guys to weep openly, not because of the pain they endured,

but because of the bitter irony of their occupation watching over harems.

Coincidentally this was also

the dawn of the "Age of Manufacturing," that is, men fabricating

stories of their triumphs without any real evidence (or even equipment)

to back it up.

Over the years, ever-more-sensitive

man has edged his way toward the consent to cry, but that concept has

now come crashing down. Current events have shown the need again for men

to be men.

Sure, women are going to be

men, too; we are about as likely to turn back the feminist tide as to

go