I write this column

in some psychological sense, in that I have reached closure on being officially,

"on a diet." Up until this past summer I had never heard of

the Atkin's Diet, or Zone Diet, or what some call the "Eat More and

Worse than You Ever Have in Your Life and Lose Weight" Diet.

It worked for me.

I have lost about 35 pounds and reached my goal. If I were to write a

book on my success, I would call it the "Ruby Tuesday's Diet."

In some strange sense,

my diet revolved around the Ruby Tuesday's restaurant about a quarter

mile from my office in Peachtree City, the greatest restaurant ever named

after a Rolling Stones song. I eat out a lot so I was seeking a place

that had a variety of food that I could eat. Ruby Tuesday's was perfect.

It is rather confusing,

though, trying to order that first meal. The service is great at Ruby's,

but that doesn't even help some times. Here was my first interchange after

I ask Michelle the waitress what non-starches they have as side items:

"What would you

like," she asks. "World peace and a Porsche Boxter," I

reply.

She gives a little

smile that says she has heard too many jokey lines like this in her life,

from dullards like me. Then I explain, "I am on this 'thing,' that

if you deny yourself carbohydrates, your body reaches ketosis."

"Ketosis, huh?"

she says, "Is that like Nirvana or one of those cult things where

you have an out-of-body experience or something?"

"No, no,"

I try to explain. It is too late.

"Get over here,

Peggy" she quips to her manager. Peggy is one of those "in charge"

types who can take over a table where they have had drinks spilled, the

food burned and someone put in the "Heimlech" and still get

them to order dessert and tip 20 percent. Michelle continues, "This

guy is on some Zen, moon trip. I think he is trying to order mushrooms

to smoke. He said he wants to zone out or something."

Peggy utters the first

words ever heard from an assistant manager's mouth, "Is there a problem

here?"

"No, no,"

I try to explain, nervously. "OK, I admit it! I am on a diet!"

I confess everything like a Catholic schoolgirl.

"Oh, is that

all?" Peggy says, "Michelle, darling, get this boy the 'Creole

Catch' with all veggies, and a side salad plate." She goes on to

tell me all the great protein items they have on the best and only salad

bar in town. My euphoria is only matched by my ketosis, matched only by

my body mass regression.

We all know that the

first thing a person does after losing a lot of weight is to start giving

others advice on how to diet. So, I guess that is what I am doing now.

I just know that I have tried a million things, including a year working

out at the gym for three nights a week, and I never lost a pound. There

just must be some connection between carbohydrate deprivation and my body's

fat-holding ability. My weight fell faster than Mariah Carey's movie career.

It's not that I was

ever that fat, even, but like most people, I just always wanted to lose

a few. But, at my age there is little motivation to lose weight. Watching

TV, avoiding doctors and eating are pretty much the middle-aged man's

hobbies. I gave up years ago imagining there was some 20-year-old college

cheerleader who thought I might look hotter if I would just lose a few

pounds.

Sure, many people

would say, being in great shape and looking good is a motivation in itself.

Yeah, right, and I am going to start recycling too.

One things does lead

to another, though. I have already started back running and playing basketball.

I am not quite as strict to my plan as I needed to be to lose the weight,

but I can tell my body does good without all the bread and potatoes. Now,

If I can only attain world peace and get me a Boxster.

[Visit Billy Murphy

on the Internet at https://www.ebilly.net.]