In 1492, Columbus

sailed the ocean blue. In 1494, he sailed the ocean blue some more.

That may not

be how the rhyme continues, but Columbus Day was observed Monday and it

got me thinking about what a loser he was. Hear me out.

Christopher

Columbus was sailing to find a route to the Indies. He never found it,

but he always thought that he did. That is like saying you're trying to

fly to the moon, going up in the air, getting all turned around, landing

in Mexico and thinking the people calling you "Gringo" are moon

men. "And Gringo to you, sir."

Columbus is

believed to be the first European to sail across the Atlantic. I guess

we don't consider Vikings to be European. Apparently, Scandinavia isn't

a part of Europe. Of course, people back in Columbus's time thought the

earth was flat and anybody that tried to sail past the horizon would fall

off the face of the earth. However, in the book of Isaiah, 40:18, it says

that the earth is round. People back then couldn't read anyway.

Columbus was

from Genoa, which is a town better known for salami, and always dreamed

of a life at sea, discovering places and claiming fortunes for himself

and any country that would pay him. It wasn't going to be Italy, and Portugal

said no, too. In fact, Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain said

no twice before finally agreeing.

So, Columbus

takes three boats, the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria and heads out

to look for a westward route to Asia. He leaves Aug. 3, 1492, stops at

the Canary Islands for close to a month and then travels again. Oct. 12,

1492, land is spotted. Columbus claimed to have seen it first from the

Nina, but evidence points to the Pinta seeing it first. Way to try to

take credit for things you didn't really do, Chris.

Columbus and

the crew landed in what is now known to be Cuba. Columbus was convinced

it was China. Imagine him running around Havana searching for the Great

Wall. "It must be here somewhere. It is supposed to be enormous."

He comes upon a wall made of logs or something. "Aha. I have found

it!"

He then sailed

a little further and landed in Haiti, thinking it was Japan. If he had

heard tales of the Far East and their people before, wouldn't he think

something was a little off. They were supposed to be small people with

light complexions, small eyes and an advanced civilization. Not exactly

the population of Haiti.

Lucky for Columbus,

he found some gold and resources and his trip wasn't a total bust. In

fact, it was real easy to plant a flag and claim the land for Spain. "I

know you thought this land was yours, but it's not. Thank you for playing.

Now, who wants to be a slave?"

Columbus then

leaves for Spain to show off gold, exotic birds and human captives. Spain

goes gaga for the goods and the promise of wealthy land to occupy and

control and gives Columbus 17 ships and 1,300 men to go do some more damage

in what everybody still thinks is Asia. Queen Isabella was probably asking

for some silk this time around.

Columbus and

his crew leave for "China" and "Japan" again and when

they land, things aren't so good. The natives didn't like what was going

on and started revolting and killing the Spanish settlers. "Thanks

for leaving us with these savages, Chris. Especially since we were stuck

here without a way to go home." Columbus declares himself governor,

which by the way is the easiest way to gain power, and tries to establish

order. He hangs some of the people who screwed up the gold-getting process,

which angers enough of the crew enough to send letters tattling on him.

Columbus and a few of his boys get taken