A smart guy once said, "By

the time a man can read a woman like a book, he's too old to collect a

library." Well, I'm not that old, and besides, my library card was

revoked a few years back. Nevertheless, I have a few theories about females.

But like my speculations on "Does Tom Cruise like show tunes,"

my theories are mostly benign. It never keeps me from sharing them, though.

Currently my theory is that

women are masochists. Whether it is guilt or neuroses or just years or

wearing too-tight panty hose, females work way too hard at self-improvement!

I know, most women are saying, "Yeah, we should be like you guys,

reclining in your Lazy Boy, eating Cheese Doodles, and drinking flat Coke

out of a jelly jar." OK, "we men" aren't the perfect model...but

still!

OK, here it is. In the beginning

there was this sin thing; a serious thing, but still, man and woman had

to go on with their lives. The curse, the payment for this sin, was simple.

The man had to work and the woman had to give birth.

This worked fine for thousands

of years. Then lately (the last 50 years or so) women, I guess, didn't

feel like "their" curse was enough, so they went and joined

us in ours. They went to work. I know, I know, it's too late to complain

about it now. Like telling Robert Downey Jr. to get straight or trying

to get the Spam back in the can, women working is not going to change.

The point I am making is, women

just seem to make it harder on themselves than it should be. The examples

are endless: Faith Hill finally makes it big and she gets the worst haircut

this side of Lyle Lovett (was being a perfect 10 just not good enough?).

Ally McBeal tops the ratings and Calista Flockhart decides it a good time

to adopt "famine chic." Ellen finally makes it to the top and

then she decides to open up her undies drawer (thinking of Ellen making

out with any gender is rather disturbing). And Joan of Arc? She's the

poster child for every woman who ever ruined a great dating relationship

with the "time to get serious" talk.

How about the infamous Mother-Daughter

relationship? Why do women put themselves through this bit of anguish?

Why is it that seemingly normal, adjusted, kindred females, when together,

turn into mutual chastisers?

From the time any daughter

ever hears her mother say, "You're not going to wear that, are you?"

the course has been laid. It's like the old philosophical question, "If

your mother and Anne Robinson of the 'Weakest Link' were both drowning

and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie?"

Women could learn a lesson

from men here, Most of us guys only pay attention enough to be able to

find our dads if we lost him in crowd at the bowling alley.

As fast as a celebrity can

check into rehab, women can find another way to push, pain or punish themselves.

For every jerk guy Gary Condit, there seem to be 10 women who publicly

announce they have slept with him.

I haven't even begun to list

all the things women do to make themselves physically perfect. Men only

hope to look a little better than David Crosby on a bad day. And the true

sign of the extended curse females impose on themselves? Men wear boxers,

women wear thongs.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at https://ebilly.net.]