Warning:

The most common side effects of reading this column are nausea, dizziness,

shortness of breath, dry mouth and the desire to put your underwear on

backwards.

The most lucrative

job in the world today must be that of the "disclaimer" lawyer.

If you invent

something, discover something, create something, the first thing you have

to do, is protect yourself from the liability suit by writing a limit

of liability or disclaimer statement.

Prompted by

the fact that people today have found a way to sue every possible institution,

company, or government agency, our society has become The United Safeguards

of America.

It was only

a matter of time that someone sued "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

A guy claims that the question Regis asked him was worded in a way that

was confusing. I needed that guy's lawyer when I was in high school.

Warning:

This student may appear drowsy and lifeless under normal classroom circumstances.

For some reason,

about the same time Milli and Vanilli were being exposed, the disclaimer

sticker started appearing on every product and service in the country.

I can recall going to play paint ball and they made you sigh a waver that

had the disclaimer, "May result in death." I don't know why

all companies don't just use this one. After you've put that on what you're

selling, everything else would pretty much be something good. Nevertheless,

today, every toy, pill, and device has some sort of limit of liability

statement.

It seems though

that a lot of things that should have disclaimer statements, don't. How

much easier would my life have been if every girl I dated would have come

with her own warning label.

Caution: May develop indifferent

and apathetic attitude after months of extreme exposure to politeness and

respect.

Caution:

May cause severe anxiety, mental stress, including depression.

Caution:

Do not operate a vehicle or heavy machinery for the risk of nagging headache

or nagging in general.

All sorts of

things still need disclaimers, now that I think of it.

A new puppy.

Warning: Do not overfill liquid chamber, may leave puddles.

Online romances.

Caution: Objects (of affection) may appear larger in real life.

CBS' "Survivor."

Warning: May cause offers for nudity from Playboy.

Dieting.

Side effects include irritability, cravings and the desire to murder

Richard Simmons.

Old Age.

Caution: May result in loose skin, loss of control, relatives seeking

estate, and thankfully, positively, death.

The "disclaimer

era" has been brought about by our society's obsession with making

everything equal for everyone. Somewhere, somehow, people have decided

that every bad thing that happens should find someone guilty of negligence.

"Someone should pay for my bad luck or misfortune and I should get

something for it."

We have become

so mechani-sized that human error no longer seems to be an option, and

worse, it results in hyperbolic compensation for the injured parties.

Neither is personal human error acceptable any longer and companies must

pay when they have done nothing wrong or intentional (See "Burned

Thighs vs. McDonalds"). This is why everyone has a disclaimer for

everything, to protect themselves. And this brings us full circle, which

I must warn you, causes dizziness and loss of lunch.

[Visit Billy

Murphy at www.ebilly.net.]