The spam, these days, is sizzling

like a car full of trailer park kids, waiting for their mom in the Wal-Mart

parking lot. Even though Britney Spears really wasn't in a car wreck and

the Queen of England didn't turn out to be into "Big Bad Mommas"

magazine, there are still plenty of items to spoof.

The cold, hard truth is, "Big

Brother" is back. The Orwellian-style TV show is a lot racier this

time, too. People are sleeping together, people are fighting, and people

are backstabbing for the almighty dollar. Why don't they just forget the

production costs of this behemoth and just film every office building

in the world?

"Big Brother" producers

did show some responsibility by getting rid of the guy who threatened

to slash the girl's throat. They didn't really fire him, though; they

just traded him to MTV's "The Real World," for two nymphomaniacs

and an alcoholic to be named later.

Ratings aren't as good for

"Big Brother 2" as for last year's "Big Brother."

That is strange, too, considering last year's show was at least eight

times as boring, with the most exciting event coming when the middle-aged

guy dyed his hair pink and asked to be called "Sparky." I hear

to spice things up, this new "Brother" is going to invite in

special guests. First up, Gary (I put the "con" in condom) Condit,

visits and invites all the girls to "go out for a ride."

See if you can answer this

question: What has 60,000 pimples and 800 legs? Answer: The front row

of a Back Street Boys Concert. Only they are all crying these days with

A. J. McLean checking into rehab for depression and alcohol abuse. Yeah,

nothing sends me into the doldrums faster than making a million dollars

a week and having 20 assistants wait on me, hand and foot. Such a rough

life; the bumpy rides in the back of the limo, the brown M&M's mixed

in with the other colors, having a goatee that looks like the reverse

side of the squatting refrigerator repair man.

Obviously, I am just jealous

and a little unsympathetic. I should feel compassion, though. I almost

had to check myself into Betty Ford Clinic when my chauffeur ran over

my Rolex with my Bentley. With A.J.'s problems, this could be the last

nail in the coffin for the "boy band" movement anyway. Attendance

and popularity has been waning recently. And a lot of the guys are getting

old enough now to start dating Cher. (See VH1's "Behind the Music.")

Just as hot these days to talk

about are celebrity romances, and this is what we all live for, since

none of us have celebrity nor romance of our own. This is a typical scenario:

Julia (we no longer need her last name, like Sting, Prince or Ellen) has

just broken up with her boyfriend Benjamin while on the publicity tour

for a movie about a two beautiful celebrities who are breaking up. Talking

about your ultimate Escher painting.

First Dennis and Meg split

because of Russell, then Russell was supposed to have caused the rift

with Nicole and Tom (Cruise, not Arnold). Or was that just a rumor?

Nevertheless, Nicole and Tom

did seem to split because of another man and Nicole said she will kill

the guy when she finds out who he is.

Papers now say that Tom is

connected with Penelope Cruz, which would make the duo, Cruise & Cruz,

but that seems about as plastic as Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson,

not to mention his nose.

If Meg could see Benjamin and

Nicole could see Dennis and Julia could Tom and Penelope could see Russell,

then the apocalypse could happen because the celebrity planets would truly

be aligned. If you are scoring mathematically at home, the equation is

M+B-J+T-N+DxP+R/Madonna=Jerry Springer.

'Til next Spam time, take some

Advil; the headache will go away.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at https://www.ebilly.net.]