Someone e-mailed me 21 tongue-in-cheek

rules for being a good little Republican in 21st century America.

I find myself in an interesting

position. I'm not a Republican, though it's no secret I'm a conservative

and therefore tend to agree with Republicans more often than Democrats.

I'm also often frustrated when

Republicans' actions don't match their words. I still end up supporting

them, though.

It's kind of like this: One

guy offers you $100, but when you open the envelope, there's only $50

inside. The other guy offers you $1,000, but when you open the envelope,

there's nothing inside and, when you look up, he's gone ... and so is

your wallet.

Anyway, I found these rules

for being a good Republican interesting enough to deserve a reply. I can't

speak for Republicans, because I'm not one. These are just my observations

as an independent conservative.

Wish I could give credit to

the author, but in the e-mail I got, he/she was anonymous.

Twenty-one rules for being

a good little Republican in 21st century America

1) You have to believe that

the nation's current eight-year prosperity was due entirely to the work

of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's

fault.

Neither Reagan nor Bush nor

Clinton had very much to do with the nation's economic health (though

Reagan's tax cuts certainly provided a helpful little push). Our prosperity

comes from people willing to take risks and work hard. Lack of a coherent

energy policy has contributed to the gas situation. This lack of policy

existed before Clinton, and it existed after Clinton, though perhaps to

a greater degree.

2) You have to believe that

those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

Most people who are wealthy

were not privileged from birth. That's a fact. And for those who were,

some have achieved their own success and some have been slugs living off

the success of their parents. I can think of a few examples up in the

People's Republic of Massachusetts. No names, but it rhymes with "Fennedy."

Anyway, what does any of that have to do with being Republican or Democrat?

3) You have to be against

government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.

I'm not against all government

programs, but I am definitely against Social Security. Why Fayette County

teachers who aren't already enslaved to that program want to be part of

it is completely beyond me. But, since I've been forced to pay into it

for 29 years, you bet your booties I want my check, and I pray I live

long enough to get all of it back plus the 2 percent interest the average

person gets. I also don't want my benefits reduced if I should have to

work past age 65.

4) You have to believe that

government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government

to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and what your official language

should be.

I believe that government should

stay out of people's lives except when those people are harming other

people, or when the government is supporting those people. Whoever supports

you controls you ... that's a fact of life. Meanwhile, marry whomever

you want that's between you and him/her and God. Get a group of 100 Republicans

together (without skewing the group from the religious right), and I'd

bet at least half of them would agree with that statement.

5) You have to believe that

pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.

What a cartoonish simplification!

Nobody believes that pollution is OK. On the other hand, we can't exist

on this earth without polluting it. Somewhere, there's a balance between

the idea that all humans should die so we'll stop polluting the earth

and the idea that ruining the water, air and land is a justifiable cost

of doing business. I don't suggest that you believe all humans should

die. Don't suggest that I believe pollution is "OK," and maybe

we can actually have some meaningful dialogue.

6) You have to believe in

prayer in schools, as long as people don't pray to Allah, Krishna or Buddha.

Sorry, conservatives, but I

agree in large part with this one. Of course you can pray in public school,

but if you want school-sponsored Christian prayer, send your kids to a

Christian school. If you want school-sponsored Buddhist prayer, send your

kids to a Buddhist school.

7) You have to believe that

only your own teenagers are still virgins.

I'm not sure what this has

to do with anything political. I guess to answer it in like manner I'd

have to say: Oh yeah, well your mother wears combat boots!

8) You have to believe that

women cannot be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, but that

large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference

whatsoever.

Again with the absolutes. Nobody

believes that corporations should be completely unregulated. Again, we're

all looking for balance. As for women and their bodies, there's a legitimate

argument about whether we're talking about one's own body or one's perfectly

alive, perfectly human unborn child. Characterizing the antiabortion argument

as believing that women can't be trusted with decisions about their bodies

is intellectually dishonest and just plain stupid.

9) You know you love Jesus

and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims,

homosexuals, and President Clinton.

This one's not worthy of a

response.

10) You have to believe

that society is colorblind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish

your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

A lot of Republicans did vote

for Alan Keyes. I didn't. He's too conservative for me.

11) You have to believe

that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million to attack Clinton

because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

It was wise to investigate

Clinton's actions because no other U.S. presidents have ever been proven

to have committed perjury. However, it wasn't wise to get so sidetracked

he sold U.S. nuclear secrets to the Chinese in exchange for campaign contributions.

12) You have to believe

that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access

to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

Most conservatives, and I think

most Republicans, don't oppose reasonable waiting periods. Those who do

are opposed because they know of cases where people for instance wives

trying to leave their abusive husbands have been killed while waiting

for the government, which couldn't protect them, to let them have some

protection of their own.

13) You have to believe

it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers

don't have condoms they won't have sex.

Hmmm. It's perfectly all right

for the government to counsel our children about sex, but not all right

for the government to lead a prayer. I've already agreed with the latter.

The former isn't the government's job either.

14) You have to believe

that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad because it defends the

Constitution, while the National Rifle Association is good because it

defends the Constitution.

The ACLU and the NRA are neither

bad nor good. They both are sometimes on the right side of arguments over

the Constitution, and sometimes on the wrong side. The ACLU would defend

the NRA's right to promote gun ownership, and the NRA would defend an

ACLU member's right to own a gun. Where's the problem?

15) You have to believe

that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.

In other words, who cares whether

people are free, as long as the trains run on time. Some European countries

have had limited success with modified versions of socialism in societies

that don't value freedom as highly as we do. I prefer freedom.

16) You have to believe

the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate

to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated

about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

The death rates from colon

cancer, breast cancer and heart disease are all much higher than that

from AIDS, yet the demands for AIDS research funding are way OUT of proportion

with the death rate, comparatively.

17) You have to believe

that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of sixth graders if they

teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full

of sex and violence, is good reading.

Again, if you don't want your

children to learn about biology, which includes reproduction, from government-paid

teachers, put them in a private school. But most conservatives and Republicans,

I think, would limit the biology teacher to teaching the biological facts,

not discussing morality, pro or con. I would concur.

18) You have to believe

that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than private

handguns, alcohol and tobacco.

Another non sequitur. The one

has absolutely nothing to do with the other. But I'm curious ... is this

author saying we should limit access to alcohol and tobacco? Perhaps a

five-day waiting period?

19) You have to believe

that even though governments have supported the arts for 5,000 years and

that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments,

our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford

to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

As stated earlier, he who supports

you controls you. How many great works of art in the past never saw the

light of day because the king or his regent didn't like them? Why is the

concept of freedom so hard for you people to grasp?

20) You have to believe

that the lumber from the last 1 percent of old growth U.S. forests is

well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the

several species of plants and animals therein.

I'm getting tired now. You're

arguing with one-tenth of 1 percent of conservatives. Most of us are only

looking for balance, but this author can only understand absolutes.

21) You have to believe

that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde and Bob

Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should

be impeached.

It's not my place to forgive

or not forgive the former president for his marital infidelities. He didn't

do it to me. What he did do to me is promote the idea that you can commit

perjury and get away with it, something I am cheerfully willing to forgive

him for ... after he's paid the price you or I would have to pay.

So there you have it. Next

week, if I can get creative enough, I'll come up with a few "rules

for being a good little Democrat in 21st century America," or perhaps

I'll use the "You know you're a liberal Democrat if ..." format.

Either way, it should be fun.