Everywhere you look today,

you see the "Health Police." They are the guys who tell us what

is wrong with what we eat. Who are "They" anyway? Is there a

"Department of They" somewhere in Washington where all these

experts get together and decide what is and isn't good for us?

It is something I ponder while

pressing leftover Easter candy into day-old Krispy Kreme doughnuts to

be microwaved. The question, though, is not so much who the Health Police

are, but what are they saying?

As fast as a pat of butter

can melt on your French fries, the Health Police can deliver the worst

news. First, it was cholesterol. This demon chemical, they say, clogs

arteries tighter than Spandex on a sumo wrestler. Then, they came back

and said that there are two kinds of cholesterols. The street names they

came up with must've been created by a whole other governmental department:

good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. The good cholesterol they say, is

good for you. The bad cholesterol they say, is bad for you. Hmm... how...

scientific.

Another duty of the Health

Police includes ruining all our fun. Any of the foods that we typically

like, such as candy, cookies, snacks, soft drinks, fast food (anything

with actual flavor), etc., are banned by these experts. They seem to be

the same interesting people that developed the pocket protector and those

little arm covers on your Lazy Boy recliner.

The game of deciding what foods

are good and bad is always changing too. Popcorn was good for you. Now

popcorn is bad for you. Butter was bad for you. Now, butter is good for

you. Dairy Queen Blizzards were bad for you. Now, Dairy Queen Blizzards

are still bad for you. It seems, though, there is so much conflict over

what is good and bad that we can always find an expert to agree with our

eating habits. About the only thing that all Health Police agree on is

that Rosie O'Donnell does, definitely, cause indigestion.

The horizon is unclear concerning

which direction we should take concerning our personal eating habits.

I expect, at any minute, to hear the news that my daily breakfast of four

eggs, 12 strips of bacon and caramel/butterscotch pancakes will actually

enhance my health and fitness. Well, I'll wait.

I feel sorry for those people

who change their eating habits overtime a new report is released. Their

systems must be about as confused as a wrestling fan in a library.

I am taking the path of moderation.

At the movies, I am replacing my Goobers with Cracker Jacks. (I recently

realized how they make Goobers they take peanuts to the back or top of

the theater and roll them down the floor, under the seats; when they reach

the bottom, they are Goobers.) I am trying to cut out soft drinks. I am

trying to lay off the Cheez Whiz crepes.

When it is all said and done

though, it probably won't be our eating habits that get us. It will be

our lack of exercise. That is why, right now, I am getting off this couch

and walking to McDonald's.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at https://ebilly.net.]