Valentine's Day reminds us

once more that the card and candy maybe an easy purchase, but it is no

secret that relationships are not easy. With approximately 50 percent

of all marriages ending in divorce, and second marriages having an even

higher failure rate, what's a couple to do?

I spoke with Dr. Valerie McAdams,

a clinical psychologist in practice at Cross Keys Counseling Center who

is putting together a marital/couples seminar for the spring. She had

several thoughts and suggestions, some of which I have condensed for the

purpose of this column.

Dr. Valerie suggests that you

think about your relationship (think first), and then ask yourself if

you're truly happy with the way things are. If you are not, she says it

is important to take steps toward creating the kind of love you desire.

Whether it seems like your relationship is doomed to fail, or if you have

a good relationship that you want to make great, she offers these tips.

Communicate clearly. As easy

as it may sound, communicating in a way that is respectful, but clearly

expresses our expectations and needs, can be difficult.

We often talk at each other

rather than to each other and without truly listening to what the other

has to say. Somehow what we meant to say is misunderstood and/or gets

buried.

To communicate effectively,

take time to listen and reflect (i.e, I want to make sure I understand.

Is this what you're saying?). Express to your partner how a situation

has affected you (When this happens, I feel), rather than saying You did

this or you did that!

Accept responsibility. Relationships

involve interactions. Each person shares a role in how the relationship

either blossoms or fails.

If you were asked what your

partner needed to do to make things better, you could probably come up

with several things quickly. The fair thing to do? Dr. Valerie says to

ask yourself the same question. You may not be so quick to answer. This

is because we tend to externalize or blame our problems on our others

(especially a mate) rather than looking at how we contribute to problems.

Instead, be willing to accept some of the blame.

Learn to say, "You're

right, I was wrong." Such a short, sincere phrase can have a tremendous

healing effect. Make an effort to be aware of your faults and focus on

how you can improve yourself. Remember, you cannot control another's actions,

words or thoughts, only your own; but you can set an example.

Let go. Many of us can name

the day, time, hour and minute of the last hurts bestowed upon us by our

partner. We hold on to it and the hurt often turns into anger. Anger and

resentment can destroy relationships.

Instead of harboring hurt,

learn to work through the anger by dealing with the problem when it happens.

Learn to forgive. Remember, we all make mistakes.

I know from experience that

if you are new to letting go, a good counselor can be very helpful. Not

just in marriage, but in many areas of life, we hide or store up our hurt

and anger. We plan to discuss it or deal with it later.

But Scarlett was right, tomorrow

is another day. Another day that is followed by even more tomorrows and

it only takes a few times of stuffing it before such action (or inaction)

becomes habit. Let go today.

Do you want to give yourself

the best Valentine's Day gift ever? Then follow these tips from Dr. Valerie:

Communicate clearly, accept responsibility, and let go.

If your relationship is in

trouble, or just showing warming signs, do not be ashamed to seek professional

assistance. Call a respected counseling center in your area and inquire

about marriage or relationship enhancement seminars.

Many churches sponsor such

services and they may be available by the hour, evening, day or weekend.

Among the sources I have recommended

over the years are Christian Families Today founded by Greg and Connie

Brezina at 770-461-6053, and Cross Keys Counseling Center at 404-366-3420.

These organizations and many others (including faith-based services) sometimes

offer pro-rated fee schedules according to your financial status.

Don't hesitate to get help

if help is needed. Valentine's Day bandaids in the form of cards and candy

are not miracle workers. A good relationship takes work. You and your

partner are worth it!