As I write this, Survivor 2

is set to premiere. Thus begins the second great experiment in reality

television, being that the first Survivor supposedly changed the world

on the little screen forever in its reality of 16 virtual strangers being

stranded together in the most tense and primitive of settings. Happens

to me all the time; I call it a family reunion.

I find it interesting that

"reality" to the networks is a woman who can read a compass,

yet never covers her exposed navel ring. Do you get the feeling the first

question they ask a woman on these shows is, "How many sports bras

do you own?" The old people are obviously screened to see how sexist,

racist and susceptible to heat exhaustion they are. If you are a 60-year-old

former KKK member with high blood pressure, you would be in like Flynn.

The unbearable heat and the

diseases of "Survivor in the Outback" seem to be the toughest

elements to battle this season (the heat and diseases being different

from those found on "Temptation Island"). Though, listening

to that host Jeff ramble on could give the strongest person the fever

to kill. If I were on the island, the hardest thing I would have to tackle

is saying my tribe's name with a straight face and not laughing out loud.

If this new Survivor show does

continue this trend towards reality TV, I am ready. I have created some

of my own programs to take this genre even further, some more challenging,

some more terrifying. Here are my submissions:

Survivor BSB. This survivor

show would follow 16 screaming preteen girls trying to live through a

trip backstage at a Back Street Boys concert. As they fight crowds, security

and the onslaught of puberty they each try to attain the immunity idol

in the form of a Britney Spears doll.

Survivor CNN. With the merger

of Time Warner and AOL, we watch as massive cutbacks and layoffs leave

tribes of workers decimated. Especially watch closely as teams of departing

producers try to extinguish Larry King's torch. Something to look for:

One tribe's totem looks curiously like Jane Fonda.

Survivor McBeal. Watch as malnourishment

and starvation become not a challenge, but the path to wearing a size

0. This Survivor will feature former convicts (Robert Downy Jr.) former

lesbians (Anne Heche) and former WB stars (everyone else in the cast)

as they try to live through Ally's neuroses. Tribal Challenges will include

the Banana Binge followed by the Primal Purge.

Survivor IRS. Needs no explanation.

Survivor DOA. A nether world

Survivor featuring too-soon-gone rock and rollers. Watch as Elvis arm-wrestles

Mama Cass for a boiled turkey neck. Watch as Kurt Cobain battles Jimmie

Hendrix in the hypodermic dart throwing contest. There were to be some

immunity challenges in Australia but not enough of the departed rockers

would climb on the airplane.

"Outwit, outplay and outlast"

has been my mantra since my first experience with my first immigrant 7-Eleven

worker back in 1983. It will undoubtedly take us all well into the 21st

century until this reality TV phase wears out.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at www.eBilly.net.]