I write this

column from Disney World. And it's one of the only things I have done

in the last 6 days that hasn't cost money. I am not complaining; it has

been great. One thing I have to say, though I have never seen so many

elderly people wearing red sweatshirts with painted-on reindeer and holly

bushes in all my life. Sometimes the crimson tide of holiday wear looks

like a sea of blue-haired redcoats marching on Charleston, circa 1775.

I have had

my fun here with the Floridians too. Each time they charged me for something

I would yell to the top of my lungs "I demand a recount." I

have continually greeted each local I meet with, "How's the hanging

chad?"

Disney is a

wonderful experience for the kids, but you have to face it, the whole

concept is straight from beelzebub. I have noted this before and I still

stand by my guns, Walt Disney was not just a great cartoonist and visionary.

He was a great cartoonist, a visionary and Jerry Garcia's longlost father.

The whole concept

of Disney is riddled with rebellion, anarchy and subliminal drug references.

I mean, the Magic Kingdom centers around Cinderella. How subtle is that?

"Sin" -derella. Get it? Peter Pan; a young boy in tights? Snow

White; an obvious pseudynom for cocaine. And if you don't believe that,

just look at the names of the seven dwarfs, every one a sympton of drug

use: Sneezy, Grumpy, Goofy, Dopey, et. al.

And of course,

how about that ride called "It's a Small World." If you have

ever been on this thing, you would quickly recognize it is nothing more

than an acid trip gone bad.

Anyway, enough

of the tomfoolery. This place is fun!! Disney though, is about marketing

and they're so good at it. They make McDonald's sales model look as noble

as an Amish Sunday Dinner. I don't have any qualms about spending the

money for my kids' fun and pleasure but it is obvious that none of this

stuff has an discernable value beyond the hour's appetite.

My goal is

to get home and get my money's worth out of all these souvenirs AFTER

the trip. So... I am thinking my son's Captain Hook hook will work, sewn

into the back of my bathing trunks for that easy "hang & dry"

effect, and a nice converstation piece too. My daughter's Tinkerbell Fairy

Princess Wand is gonna work just nifty as a pot passer when we are eating

around the big dining room table during special occasions.

All the commemorative

cups we collected can be used in a variety of ways. They are just the

right size to keep your life savings should you have been a recent investor

in the Nasdaq. I plan to tie really long strings between each pair I have

collected and start my own telephone company, solely for the right to

call people during dinner time and ask them to change their long distance

carrier.

Well, there

are a zillion other things to note about the trip to Disney but I am out

of space. And besides, room service is knocking on my door with an order

I placed for some "Lion King" ribs and the "Little Mermaid"

seafood platter.